


True Calling

by sapphic_phoenix



Series: True Calling [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Astral Projection, Eventual Romance, F/M, Goddesses, Mystery, New Earth, Original Character(s), Slow Burn, Supernatural Elements, Suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 21,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23151517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphic_phoenix/pseuds/sapphic_phoenix
Summary: Being stranded in the Delta Quadrant gives our command team plenty of time to get to know each other while they face spectral monsters, sexual tension, and secrets about themselves and each other.(I accidentally skipped posting chapter 21 the first time through but the chapter order has been updated now so if you've read it before April 7, 2020 consider re-reading from chapter 21. So sorry about that.)
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: True Calling [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1664236
Comments: 44
Kudos: 47





	1. Prologue: A New Being Is Born

**Author's Note:**

> This work was inspired by an AU tag I saw that only has one work for Voyager here on AO3.

Once, long ago in the middle of nowhere, a small altar was raised to an unnamed deity. The altar was simple in design – a windowsill ledge with a small stub of a candle, a handwritten note, and a child’s messy drawing of a woman, beautiful and kindly with golden hair and open arms. A small hand picked up the note and the child read it over one last time.

“To whoever might be listening to my prayer: I feel lost and hopeless. I’m not doing well in school and Father gets mad at me a lot and I get bullied a lot. They tell me I’m useless and that I’m not trying to be good, but I am. I need someone to help me. I think if I can do better in school, I will get in trouble less. If anyone is listening to my prayers, please come to my aid. I won’t ask for much. I want someone to help me be better off so I can be happy. I just want to be happy again.”

Folding the letter with a sigh, the child placed it under the unlit candle on the windowsill. If only they knew that someone was listening, they would have the strength to face the days to come.

But what the child didn’t know is that not far away, in a plane of existence adjacent to our own, a new Being was sparked into existence, a child’s simple prayer ringing in their mind.


	2. To New Friendships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After "State of Flux"

“How are you holding up?” Janeway asked, stepping into the turbolift beside Chakotay as the doors began to slide closed.

“Me? I’m fine,” he said, not meeting her gaze. “I just found out that my ex-girlfriend is a Cardassian agent who strung me along like a puppet and lied, stole, and cheated everyone I care about before abandoning us for the Kazon of all people.”

“That about sums it up,” Janeway agreed. “But it doesn’t answer my question. How are you _really_?”

Chakotay sighed. “I’ll get over it.”

On impulse, Janeway reached out a hand and lightly touched his arm. “If you want some company, my door is always open,” she said.

She knew he must be taking it hard, being betrayed not only by a former member of his crew but by someone he had a personal affection for. He was an honest and trusting man by nature, and she could see how troubled he was at being duped so easily.

She sat up at the desk in her quarters for a few hours after she got off shift, wondering if he would take her up on her offer. She didn’t know what she was expecting, really. It’s not like they were friends. As the captain, she didn’t feel she could afford the luxury of having friends. Nevertheless, she had felt he needed to have a friendly ear open to him. She always felt the need to offer sympathy and comfort to others where she could.

A little after 1900 hours, her door chimed. When she called for entrance, Chakotay walked in holding a bottle in his hands.

“Are you busy?” he asked. “I come bearing gifts.”

“Is that Antarian cider?” she asked, taking the bottle and examining it closely. “For a gift like this, I could make some time.”

While she replicated some glasses and poured the cider, Chakotay walked slowly around the room, examining the décor. He paused at a painting depicting the sun setting over a golden landscape.

“Nice picture,” he said.

“Thanks. I painted it myself.”

“Really?” he seemed surprised as he accepted a glass of cider. “I didn’t take you for a painter.”

“I’m full of surprises,” she smiled. “I based this one off the sunsets I saw as a child on the farm where I grew up. I always loved the dusk, when the day had ended and my time was finally my own to enjoy.”

He was silent, studying her face in the dim artificial lighting. “Do you miss it?” he asked. “Sunsets on Earth?”

“Sometimes.” She forced a smile onto her face then added, “But I intend to see it again someday. Even if it takes a few years.”

He chuckled at that. “Ever the optimist.” He began to resume his slow circling of her quarters, examining every element of its furnishings. She stayed silent, watching his movements with growing curiosity.

“Satisfied?” she asked when he finally stopped beside her.

He looked down, an embarrassed smile on his face. “Just curious. I’ve never seen your personal quarters before.”

“Well then, what do you think?”

“I think I’m getting a better picture of the woman behind the captain’s pips.”

“Oh?”

“And it’s a very pretty picture.”

She felt the heat rise to her cheeks at the unexpected compliment and she shook her head at his wide grin. “We’ve got a long time to get to know each other,” she said eventually. “I hope we can be friends for that time.”

“I would like that,” he replied. He offered his glass in a toast. “To new friendships.”

She happily clinked her glass against his. “To new friendships.”


	3. The Mist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after "Cathexis"

The first time it happened was surprising, to say the least. One moment Chakotay was sitting on the floor in his quarters, meditating with his medicine bundle, and the next moment he was floating above his body looking down at himself. As soon as he realized this, he began to panic, but just as quickly it was over. He was back in his body, snapping his eyes open and letting the smooth stone slip from his grasp.

Two thoughts flashed across his mind. _What was that?_ Followed almost immediately by: _Oh no, not again._

It had been disorienting enough having his consciousness ripped from his body by the nebula aliens just the day before, but if this was going to be happening on a regular basis, he wasn’t sure how he would keep his sanity intact.

Leaving the medicine bundle on the floor where it was, he stood up and left his quarters.

“Doctor,” he said, entering sickbay, “you wanted me to tell you if I experienced anything strange.” Briefly, he explained what he had experienced.

“Interesting,” the Doctor said. “It could simply be an unexpected side effect of the completely revolutionary new technique I devised to reintegrate your consciousness into your body.” He ran a medical tricorder over Chakotay’s head and shrugged. “No doubt it will pass on its own. Let me know if the symptom persists or worsens.” He snapped the tricorder shut and retreated to his office.

So the Doctor didn’t think it was anything serious. It could be interesting, he supposed, being able to float unseen through the ship and spy on the crew.

He returned to his quarters and sat down once more. He picked up the stone and attempted to resume his meditation. This time, his mind stayed inside his body.

* * *

The next time it happened, it didn’t end right away. He didn’t panic at the sudden sensation of floating above his body, and found he was able to control his movement in this noncorporeal state. _This could be fun_ , he decided.

He floated through the wall and found himself in the corridor of deck three. He floated up through the ceiling and down the hall until he came upon the mess hall. He watched over the shoulders of two crewmembers who were engaged in a game of chess in the corner. He lurked in the galley as Neelix bustled about cleaning up the remnants of dinner and organizing his pots and pans.

Then he became aware of another presence in the room.

A pale mist hovered over the crewmembers playing chess, seemingly observing the game. Who could this be? He wasn’t aware of any other crewmembers who had the ability to move about incorporeally. He moved closer to investigate.

Suddenly, the mist rushed towards him and enveloped him. He felt another presence prying its way into his mind. His defences were crumbling. The sensations alone were almost more than he could bear.

_Who are you?_ A voice echoed in his mind.

“Who are _you?_ ” he returned.

As quickly as it began, the psychic assault ended. The mist retreated.

_I am none of your concern._

And with that, the mist evaporated.

* * *

Before long, Chakotay was astral projecting nearly every day. He was finding it easier now to control his movement and had taken to roaming the corridors in his spectral form for several hours each night. While his body lay still and empty on his bed, his consciousness travelled unseen throughout the ship.

He was still curious about the mist he had seen. He had no idea who or what it was and had not seen it since that first day.

One evening, as the ship grew dark with its artificial night, Chakotay was getting ready for bed. He lay down amidst the sheets and closed his eyes. He began to quiet his mind and concentrate on his breathing. The world around him stilled. He felt his consciousness slip free from its material prison and rise above his physical form.

It was then he realized he was not alone in the room.

As he entered the noncorporeal plane, he saw the pale mist floating before him. It seemed to be watching him.

“What are you doing here?” he asked it with his mind. He feared that it might attack him again as it had last time, but it stayed put.

_You are human,_ a voice whispered. _How is it you can leave your body like this?_

“I don’t know,” he replied. “A medical mystery, I suppose.”

The mist changed its colour slightly, taking on a yellowish tint. It moved closer.

_What do you intend to do with this ability?_

“I don’t know,” he answered. “I hadn’t thought about it.”

_If you do not intend to use this skill to harm anyone, then you are no concern of mine,_ the mist said. _But if I find you hurting any member of this crew, I will be back. And I won’t be kind._ And with that, it evaporated into nothingness.

Chakotay remained for a minute, waiting to see if the mist would return. He still had a lot of questions he wanted to ask it, but it did not show itself again. He searched the whole ship in his incorporeal state but did not find it.

It seemed this would be one mystery he would not be able to solve.


	4. Have Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after "Elogium"

Ensign Kayla Hayes was a quiet young human woman. No one really took much notice of her, and she was content just doing her work in Engineering during the day and curling up with a book at night.

But she was lonely.

She had never been good at making friends, always finding the unwritten nuances of social interaction beyond her grasp, and attending social gatherings gave her unmanageable anxiety anyway, so she was alone. She spent her evenings in her quarters with whatever escapist reading she could find in the ship’s library.

But not tonight. Tonight she sat on a chair in her quarters, a book open on her lap but with her gaze fixed on the stars outside her window. A single tear slowly made its way down her cheek as images of home flashed across her mind’s eye – memories of the home she might never see again.

Kayla snapped the book shut and dropped it onto the chair as she stood up. She went to the window and leaned her forehead against the cold transparent aluminium surface. The stars outside blurred together as tears gathered in her eyes.

_I’ll never see home again._ The thought rose, unbidden, in her mind. _I’ll never see Mom, I’ll never see my cat, I’ll never see another sunrise on Earth._ Images flashed across her mind of those people and places she had left behind. She heard the echo of her cat’s purrs. She smelt the sweet scent of her mother’s perfume. Overwhelming grief rose up within her and she fought back the sobs that threatened to break free from her lips.

_I just want to know I’ll see them again,_ she thought. _If I had just a glimmer of hope, I’d be alright._ She sank slowly to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her head on her arms. _I need to know I’ll see them again. Can someone just tell me that?_ She gave into the grief and let the sobs break free. _Someone make me feel okay. Someone tell me it will be okay._ The thoughts echoed in her mind. _Someone help me know that I’ll see home again._

All of a sudden, a strange sensation enveloped her. She felt an invisible cloud descend on her and another presence enter her mind. Her thoughts cleared and the tightness in her chest vanished. She felt lighter than she had a moment ago, and felt her energy renewed.

_Have courage._ Words echoed in her mind, emanating from somewhere she couldn’t pinpoint. _You will see your home again. It will take time and teamwork, but you will get there in the end. Have faith in yourself and your crewmates._

Her resolve strengthened by the words of encouragement, Kayla stood up and looked out at the stars again. They seemed to glimmer more brightly than before, beckoning the small ship onwards.

A smile crept onto her face.

“Thank you,” she whispered, “whoever you are.”

* * *

_What do you say to a working dinner? My quarters, 1900._

The response to her message had been almost immediate. _Aye, Captain._

And so it was that Kathryn was kneeling in front of her replicator panel, elbow-deep in its circuitry, cursing under her breath.

“Come on! Work for me just this once, won’t you?” She stood up and tapped in her command one more time and waited. Nothing happened. “Gods damn you, you glorified toaster!” She smacked her hand against the wall above the replicator slot. It instantly hummed to life and she watched as a plate of blackened matter appeared before her. It was still smoking and smelled awful. “Why?” she asked the universe in general.

At that moment, the door chimed.

“Great. Just great.” She recycled the charred mass and turned to the door. “Come in.”

Chakotay entered holding a bottle of wine. “Hope I’m not late,” he said.

“Not at all.” She turned back to the replicator. “I’m just trying to convince this heap of junk to produce something edible for us.”

Chakotay chuckled and set the bottle on the table. “Let me try.”

Kathryn gladly stepped aside, making a sweeping motion towards the replicator. She then went to the cupboard to procure two wine glasses. When she finished pouring the wine, she turned around to see the replicator light up and two plates appear in the tray. The scent of warm pasta began to fill her senses.

Kathryn sighed. “How did you do that?”

“One day I’ll tell you my secrets,” Chakotay grinned, “but for now, just enjoy.” He placed the plates on the table and pulled out a chair for his captain.

They enjoyed their meal quietly for a while until Kathryn broke the silence. “Do you remember our conversation earlier today, about the possibility of _Voyager_ becoming a generational ship?” Chakotay nodded. “It seems that possibility is going to become a reality. Ensign Wildman came to me today to tell me she’s pregnant.”

Chakotay absorbed this information silently.

“She looked so scared,” Kathryn continued. “I feel quite sorry for her, having to raise a baby alone.”

“I’m sure when the time comes, she’ll have the aid of every member of this crew,” Chakotay said. “In a way, this child will belong to all of us. She won’t be alone.”

“It takes a village,” Kathryn murmured.

“Exactly.”

“Have you ever thought about it?” Kathryn asked suddenly. “Having children, I mean.”

He seemed surprised at her question. “A few times. I’ve never met anyone I’d want to have them with, though.” He stabbed at his pasta absent-mindedly. “How about you?”

“I’d like to have children someday,” she replied. “The time has just never been right.”

“It might never be the right time. Especially out here.”

She took a sip of her wine and focused her eyes on the window. She was beginning to regret bringing up the topic.

“B’Elanna tells me the repairs are moving along ahead of schedule,” Chakotay said after a brief pause. “We’ll have warp drive back online by tomorrow.”

“Good. Good.” Kathryn played with her food a little, then set down the fork. She propped her chin up on her hand and stared out the window at the twinkling stars.

“Something wrong?” Chakotay asked.

“Just thinking about home,” she said. She turned her gaze towards him. “Do you ever get homesick?”

“Sometimes,” he answered. “But I think if anyone can get us home again, it’s you. I don’t think I’ve met anyone more stubborn and determined.”

She laughed softly. “You think I’m stubborn?”

“And determined.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“It was meant as one.”

She reached out and touched his hand where it rested on the table. Her thumb rubbed the back of his hand gently.

“Thank you,” she said.

“Anytime.”


	5. Guardian

It had been several weeks since Kayla’s last major battle with homesickness, and she was still trying to understand what had happened. She had thought at the time that another presence had entered her consciousness, imparting words of encouragement and lessening the sadness, but she couldn’t for the life of her figure out who it might have been. One by one, she discounted each of the telepathic crewmembers around her. None of the Vulcans would have cared about her emotional breakdown, the only telepathic Betazoid had been nowhere near her at the time, and when she mentioned her breakdown to Kes, she got the sense that the young Ocampa had known nothing about it. So who could it have been?

She decided there was only one way to find out – see if they would reach out to her again. So one evening in her quarters, she sat down cross-legged on the floor and closed her eyes to meditate. While she focused on breathing deeply and evenly, her mind began to wander back to that night. She recalled the despair she had felt to begin with, and the hope she had felt after the unknown being made contact with her. She remembered the words the entity had spoken to her and what their presence had felt like to her.

 _Are you out there?_ She asked silently. _Will you come back? I want to speak to you again._ Her world remained still and silent. _Maybe it was just a fluke_ , she thought. She sighed.

“If you’re out there, mysterious entity,” she whispered, her eyes still closed. “Thank you. I know we’ll see Earth again, even if does take a few decades. I’d like to speak with you again, as a friend. I’d like to learn more about who you are. It’s nice to know there’s someone listening to me when I need it.”

There was still no response.

She sighed again and opened her eyes.

What she didn’t see is the happy smile that crept across someone’s face as they heard her words of friendship.

* * *

In the months that had followed the day when Chakotay first learned how to project his consciousness out of his body, he had used each night as an opportunity to practice the skill and observe his crewmates as they went about their nightly business. He often made his way to the messhall and people-watched for a few hours. He would usually find Neelix preparing midnight snacks to leave out, and late-night chess tournaments, and homesick people seeking out companionship.

And he found the mist.

He wasn’t sure if it was following him or following the movements of the other crewmembers, but he often found it in the messhall, hovering over someone’s head. Doing what, he couldn’t say. But whenever he approached it, it vanished before him.

One thing Chakotay was learning slowly but surely was how to share someone’s consciousness without taking total control of their body. He found if he focused his intentions on a person he could see through their eyes and hear their thoughts without taking them over completely. He knew it was probably an invasion of his crewmates’ privacy, but he used this skill to gather information about who needed a visit from their Morale Officer, and who needed a lighter work schedule, and getting inside information on personnel issues before they were brought to his attention. All in all he felt like his intrusions were justified. But that assumption was about to be tested.

One evening, he settled down in his bed and let his consciousness slip free of his body only to come face-to-spectral-face with the strange mist.

 _I have been watching you, as I promised,_ it projected into his mind. _You have been intruding in other people’s minds unwelcomed. Why?_

“Curiosity,” he replied. “Also I want to help them, and I think learning more about each crewmember can help me be a better First Officer for them.”

_How so?_

“What does it matter to you, anyway?”

 _I have appointed myself guardian to these people,_ the spirit responded. _Any potential threat to them will have to get through me first._

“And how do I know you’re not a threat?” he challenged it. “Why should I just take your word that you don’t have hostile intentions here?”

The spirit seemed to consider his words. _A fair question,_ it conceded. _Allow me to show you._

Suddenly, the mist surged forward and enveloped him completely. He felt the other consciousness prying its way into his mind. _Don’t fight_ , it said. _I will not harm you._

Images began to swim in his vision, flashing by too fast to comprehend, until they settled into a single image. He saw someone he recognized as Ensign Hayes, curled up on the floor and sobbing. He heard her whispered words of desperation and saw from the mist’s perspective as it enveloped her mind the way it had done to him and began to impart words of encouragement. He felt the ensign’s grief lessening, and then the vision dissipated.

 _I can’t do much,_ the spirit told him, _but I do what I can._

Chakotay began to feel a respect for this strange spirit. “Who are you?” he asked it.

 _No one of consequence,_ it replied. Then like it had every time he had met it before, it disappeared.

Chakotay returned to his body and sat up in his bed. He was beginning to grow frustrated with this entity’s non-answers. But at least he knew it wasn’t hostile. He would probably meet it again in his astral journeys, and maybe next time he would learn what it actually was and why it was so interested in _Voyager_ ’s crew.


	6. Hope Restored

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after "Cold Fire"

_Voyager’s_ brush with the Caretaker’s companion and her lack of assistance in getting them home had severely impacted the crew’s spirits. Kathryn Janeway sat on the sofa in her quarters, her feet tucked up underneath her and her eyes staring blankly out at the stars. She barely noticed when her door chimed, and she called for entrance automatically.

Suddenly, the aroma of coffee filled her senses, and she turned to see a cup extended towards her.

“I thought you could use something comforting,” the voice of her first officer filtered into her awareness.

A smile crept onto her face and she reached for the cup. “Thanks,” she said, “but I’m fine.”

“No one’s fine at the moment. I think everyone was hoping the female Caretaker would help us get home, and the disappointment is almost tangible on the ship right now. It’s only natural that you’d be feeling it too.”

She sipped the coffee slowly, taking the time to savour its warmth. “If you don’t mind, I deal with my emotions better alone.”

“Well, if you don’t need emotional support, how about some emotionally-neutral company?”

Kathryn rolled her eyes and gestured to the chair across from the couch.

“How is the crew holding up?” she asked.

“They’re getting by,” he answered. “It would do them good to see you around a little more. Maybe spend some time in Sandrine’s with them.”

“Oh, I don’t think that would help.” Kathryn’s fingers began tracing the rim of her cup. “The captain’s presence tends to put a damper on their good times.”

“Perhaps sometimes, but for now it would help their morale to see you in good spirits. If you don’t let this get you down, they won’t either. They need your strong presence.”

Kathryn gazed unseeing into the cup of dark liquid in her hands. “Is this your way to get me to stop brooding?” she asked, looking up at him through her eyelashes.

“I wouldn’t have put it quite like that,” he replied with a smirk, “but maybe.” He stood up and extended a hand to her. “In fact, I’m heading to the holodeck right now. Join me?”

“Subtle,” Kathryn scoffed. She threw back a mouthful of coffee, grimacing as the hot liquid seared her throat, and pushed herself up off the couch. “Why not?” And grabbing his hand, she started for the door.

The holodeck was running the Sandrine’s program when they arrived, but only a handful of crewmembers were present. The pool table was not in use, so Kathryn grabbed a couple of cues and handed one to Chakotay. “I’ll let you break,” she said.

“Generous of you.”

By the time Kathryn eventually won the game, several crewmembers had gathered around to watch. Their cheering for her victory lightened her spirits and she smiled around at them as she racked up the balls again. “Alright, who’s next?”

While she set about beating another opponent, Chakotay set himself up at a table to watch with a pint of beer. By the time his glass was empty, she was shaking hands with the third opponent and setting her pool cue down on the table.

“You’ll have to share your secrets with me,” he said as she sat down across from him. “I’ve got a running rivalry going with Ayala, and I need a few tricks up my sleeve for our next game.”

“My father taught me to play pool when I was five,” she said. “We played together for years until I got good enough to beat him, and then suddenly he didn’t have time to play anymore. A total coincidence, I’m sure.”

“I’m sure.”

They looked up as a peal of laughter broke out from a couple sequestered in the far corner of the room.

“I think their morale has recovered,” Kathryn remarked.

“And how about yours?” Chakotay asked.

Kathryn smiled and nodded. “I’m feeling better. Thanks.”

Chakotay reached over the table and clasped her hand in his. “Anytime.”

Kathryn squeezed his hand and felt her smile widen. As his thumb rubbed over her fingers, she felt his presence warming her from within. She propped her chin up on her hand and held his warm gaze. She felt herself becoming lost in his deep brown eyes.

“Can I get you two anything?” Sandrine asked suddenly, appearing at their side and startling Kathryn out of her reverie.

“Uh, a glass of wine would be lovely,” Kathryn said. “Something red and sweet.”

“Nothing for me, thank you,” Chakotay said.

Sandrine made her way back to the bar and Kathryn released Chakotay’s hand.

“Whatever happens along our journey, you don’t have to face it alone,” Chakotay said. “Look around you. Every crewmember here is here for you. Whatever disappointments come our way, we’ll get through it. Together.”

“When did you appoint yourself Morale Officer?” Kathryn smirked.

Chakotay laughed. “I’ll let Neelix keep that job. But the wellbeing of the crew and the captain is part of my concern as First Officer, so whatever happens, I’m here for them and I’m here for you.”

“All they need is a little hope.” Kathryn accepted the glass of wine as it was brought to her and swirled it thoughtfully. “If it will help, I’ll try to be more present for now.”

The two sat for a while longer, enjoying the friendly atmosphere of the holographic establishment. And the crewmembers around them observed silently as the captain and commander chatted away with bright smiles. If the captain wasn’t letting this setback get her down, they wouldn’t either. Their determination was renewed, and their hope restored.


	7. Imaginative Writing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> around "Threshold"

The mist moved silently. It crept around corners and phased through walls, making its way with purpose down to deck fourteen. It paused by the crewmembers it passed, taking a moment to creep into each of their minds and glimpse their emotional states. Most of them were occupied with their tasks at hand, and it moved on quickly. When it encountered someone whose mind was preoccupied with thoughts of relationship issues, it took a moment to impart words of encouragement to their subconscious.

At last, it reached its destination and drifted through the bulkhead into Ensign Hayes’ quarters.

The lights were dimmed, and the room was lit by a single white candle. Kayla Hayes knelt on the floor in front of the candle, her eyes closed and her fingers steepled in a traditional Vulcan meditative pose. When the mist approached her and reached out to her mind, it found her thoughts focused on one thing – calling out to the mist.

She didn’t know who she was calling to, but she knew there was someone out there who had heard her words and she was determined to find them again. She had taken up meditation in the hopes of focusing her thoughts enough to get her words through, and it had worked.

_I hear you,_ the mist projected into her mind.

Kayla’s thoughts immediately began to race. _Who are you?_ her mind blurted out. Her consciousness was instantly enveloped by overwhelming sensations – a feeling of longing and indescribable joy, a vision of swirling clouds of red energy, a sensation of something soft and fluffy touching her left arm, and a taste of the colour blue.

_That is my name_ , the mist told her. _That is the identity that will mean more to you than my human name ever would._

_Thank you,_ Kayla thought to the entity. She paused, then asked, _Why did you speak to me all those weeks ago?_

_Helping people gives me gratification,_ the entity responded, _and you seemed like you needed some words of encouragement._

_Do you mind coming back to talk to me again sometime?_

_Anytime you need me,_ the mist said. And then it slowly retreated from her mind.

The entity watched as Kayla opened her eyes and smiled a happy smile. She leaned forward and blew out the candle, never seeing the spectral being that rose with the smoke up towards the ceiling and vanished.

* * *

Chakotay watched as Janeway’s eyebrows crept higher and higher up her forehead and her eyes went through the five stages of grief before finally settling on ‘acceptance’. He ate his meal slowly, watching the micro expressions flash across her face.

Finally, she set the padd down on the table and looked up at him.

“And how did you say you came across this?” she asked.

Chakotay considered his words before answering. “I heard a rumour,” he said. The truth was, he had come across a crewmember reading it in the Messhall during one of his noncorporeal adventures and had looked up the file for himself later, but that would take too long to explain.

“And who wrote it?” Janeway asked.

“I’m still trying to trace them.”

Janeway sighed and picked up her fork again, stabbing rather sharply at her food.

“So what did you think?” Chakotay asked.

“It was… _imaginative_.”

“Which part do you think was the most… _inspired?”_ he asked. “The part where he ripped out his tongue? Or when travelling at transwarp made him hyper-evolve into a giant salamander? Or the part where you and he—”

“ _Stop._ ” Janeway pushed her plate away and buried her face in her hands. “Please tell me this _fanfiction_ isn’t the beginning of a trend.”

“…Actually…”

“Oh no.”

“…I found more.”

“Please don’t tell me about it.”

“There’s quite a few… _intriguing_ fantasies about you, actually.”

“… _Fuck.”_

Chakotay stared at her, wide-eyed. “I have never heard you swear like that before.”

“It’s a swearing kind of occasion.”

He laughed at that and picked up the padd she had discarded. “There’s another one I found that I think you should see.”

Janeway slapped the padd out of his hands. “Don’t.”

“Have you ever tried writing out a fantasy?” Chakotay asked. “In fact, let’s do that. Let’s write a short story for the ‘Voyager Fanfiction Archive’.”

“There’s a whole archive of this stuff?”

“Yep. So let’s see…” He opened a blank document on the padd and began to type. “’Once upon a time, on the Starship _Voyager_ …’ What do you think should happen?”

“Nothing happens and there’s an abundance of coffee. The end.”

“Okay, you’re no fun. ‘Once upon a time on the starship _Voyager_ , Captain Kathryn Janeway came upon a mystery.’ Yeah, this’ll be good. ‘The Criminal Coffee Caper’. No. ‘The Mystery of the Missing… Macchiato?’ Gods, can you imagine if someone stole your coffee rations?”

“If they did, they’d be dead,” Kathryn said solemnly.

“Okay, a mystery seems hard to write. How about a romance?”

“Not with me.”

“But you’re everyone’s favourite topic to write about! Listen to this.” He pulled up the fanfiction archive and scrolled through until he found the story he was looking for. “Here. ’Kathryn Janeway had never felt anything so intense in her life. The Maquis leader’s eyes seemed to smoulder as he stood in front of her, barely a hair’s breadth away. His breath was warm on her cheek and his scent stoked a fire in her heart.’”

Kathryn was adamantly shaking her head with each word he read, dropping her napkin on the table and pushing her chair back. “Nope. Nuh-uh. Not doing this.”

“’His gaze seemed to penetrate her defences and she felt her heart go to Red Alert.’” He stood up and followed her as she left the table and tried to put some distance between herself and his embarrassing words. “’”This can only end one way, Captain,” Chakotay said. “With your ship in my hands and you in my bed.”’”

“Absolutely not!” She picked up a pillow and flung it at him. It bounced off his head and dropped to the floor. “Gods, that is bad writing! And so completely not you!”

“’”Oh, Chakotay,” Kathryn sighed.’” Chakotay continued reading, a shit-eating grin covering his face.

“My voice is _not_ that high-pitched and nasally!” Kathryn protested.

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

He dodged a second tossed pillow, then ran at her and tackled her onto the couch. They both collapsed in a pile of giggles. “Now,” he said, rolling onto the floor and switching the padd back to his document, “help me write this mystery story.”

“Alright, but you owe me a coffee.”


	8. True Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in the aftermath of "Deadlock" (and "Investigations")

Chakotay sat in his quarters with his medicine bundle spread out before him. He clutched the smooth stone in his hands and closed his eyes to the material world.

“A-koo-chee-moya. Far from the places of my ancestors, I seek the wisdom of my spirit guide. I wish to speak with the one called Wolf.”

When he opened his eyes again, he found himself kneeling in the grass by the side of a crystal-clear lake. Autumn leaves swirled around him and the scent of pollen rose up from the daisies surrounding him. He had been to this place many times before, in childhood. It was his favourite place to relax and reflect, away from the rest of the world. He breathed in the clean air and released the tension from his shoulders.

“What troubles you?” a soft voice asked over his shoulder.

“I don’t know how to forgive my friend for betraying my trust,” he replied. “She went completely behind my back and cooked up a hairbrained scheme that involved me but she didn’t bother to tell me about it until it was too late. I thought we had an understanding.”

“Perhaps you did not understand the nature of the understanding.”

“What do you mean?”

“You are very trusting, Chakotay.” The silver wolf laid down beside him with its head in his lap, its big brown eyes looking up at him. “How can you be sure you can trust this one?”

“I just know I can,” he said. “I trust her with my life, and I thought she trusted me.” He absently began scratching behind one of the wolf’s ears.

“True trust is not about having no secrets,” the wolf murmured, leaning into the scratches. “True trust means knowing that even when they are keeping something from you, they are not doing so with the intention of harming you. If she has apologized for hurting you, she is not your enemy.

“The road you walk has many twists and turns ahead. You would do well to know who are your enemies and who are your allies. And once you find someone you can trust, hold on to her through everything.” The wolf beside him began to fade out of existence, but its words still echoed. “You will never completely know the person behind her many masks, but if you trust her, then you do not need know completely.”

* * *

“Ensign, would you hand me a hyperspanner?” Janeway held out a hand and felt the cold metal instrument slide onto her fingers.

“Captain, can we talk?”

She dropped the spanner and swore as she zapped her finger on a power socket trying to catch it. “Sure, Commander.”

Chakotay knelt down beside her and the open power conduit. The ensign who had been assisting her with repairs was nowhere in sight.

“I just want to apologize for being distant lately,” he said. “I felt rather… betrayed when you didn’t trust me about that stunt Paris pulled to find the traitor.”

“I told you, I wanted to trust you. Tuvok was the one who was adamantly against it.”

“And you went along with it anyway.” Chakotay sighed. “Look, I don’t want to reopen old wounds. I want to try and move past it. Get back to the way things were.”

“I’d like that,” Kathryn nodded. “Maybe dinner tonight in my quarters? It’ll have to be ration packs till we get the replicators back online, but I’ve got some real whiskey stashed away to wash it down with.”

“I’ll be there.”

Kathryn held out a hand and he took it, smiling. “Friends?” she asked.

“Friends.”

Over an hour later, Janeway finally tore herself away from the repair efforts, grabbed some ration packs, and returned to her quarters. They were a mess, but still habitable. She kicked some fallen debris out of the way to get to the cabinet containing the case of her favourite whiskey.

When Chakotay entered a few minutes later, he found the captain stretched out on the couch, her jacket, turtleneck, and boots scattered on the floor, and a glass of whiskey in her hand. “Bad day?” he asked.

“Could have been worse,” she replied. She gestured with her free hand to the bottle and empty glass on the coffee table beside her. “Help yourself.”

Chakotay poured himself a glass and took the seat opposite the sofa. “How are you doing?”

“Me? I’m fine.”

“Try again.”

Kathryn glared at him over the rim of her glass. “Okay, I’m a little unsettled.”

“About that other _Voyager_?”

“They could so easily have been us, Chakotay,” she said, sitting upright. “But instead it was them who all died, and who knows how many got brutalized by the Vidiians. I can’t stop thinking about them. I was steeling myself to destroy our ship, but then it was them who…” She trailed off and sighed.

“Fate works in mysterious ways,” Chakotay remarked.

“Gods rest their souls.” Kathryn threw back the rest of her whiskey and reached for the bottle. “So how’s your day been? Better than mine, I hope?”

“I talked with my spirit guide earlier.”

“Oh?”

“They helped me realize that, despite everything, I still trust you. And I want you to know that. But in the future I would appreciate being brought in on whatever schemes you and Tuvok cook up.”

“I Promise.”

“Good.”

“And… I’m sorry about that. I should have brought you in on it from the start. I didn’t think about how much it would jeopardize our friendship.”

“You’re already forgiven.”

“Thank you.”

“There’s one more thing I’ve been meaning to tell you,” Chakotay said. “ _Voyager_ has a ghost.”

Kathryn sat up a little straighter. “A ghost, huh?”

“Some sort of guardian spirit who has decided to watch over the crew.”

“And how do you know this?”

“I, uh… I met them when I was having an out-of-body experience.”

“Do you… have those experiences often?” Kathryn tilted her head.

“No. But aren’t you worried? I mean, who is this spirit? Why has it taken such an interest in _Voyager’s_ crew? What are its intentions? How can we know it’s benevolent?”

“I think,” Kathryn swirled the whiskey in her glass thoughtfully, “if its intentions were bad we would be seeing evidence of that. But if it hasn’t even shown itself to the rest of us at all, let alone shown itself to be bad, maybe… we should give it the benefit of the doubt.”

“That’s very generous of you,” Chakotay said.

Kathryn shrugged. “I’m in a generous mood. Now, more whiskey?”

“Gods, yes.”


	9. A New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> during "Resolutions" for the next few chapters

“This is where I’ll spend the rest of my life.”

Somehow, murmuring the words out loud did not make them seem any more real in her mind. Kathryn Janeway gazed around at the verdant landscape surrounding her and sighed. If it hadn’t been for those damn bugs…

It had started innocently enough. Chakotay had come to her ready room to tell her about an M-class planet on sensors that promised to provide them with plenty of produce for Neelix’s pantry. Then came the fateful words: “shore leave”.

“We’ve been out here for over a year now,” Chakotay had said, “and in all that time I’ve hardly ever seen you take time for yourself. So what do you say we go down to the planet together – just you, me, and a picnic basket. Take some time to unwind.”

“That sounds lovely, but I can’t,” she replied with an apologetic smile. “I have too much work to do.”

“The reports will still be there tomorrow. It’s okay to relax for just one day. The world’s not going to fall apart just because the captain takes a break.”

And so she had found herself standing on the most beautiful planet she had seen in this quadrant, miles away from the other away teams with the birds singing around her and her gorgeous first officer at her side. They had spent a lovely day exploring the woods and wading in the river and picnicking on a bed of wild daisies. The only thing that dampened their mood was the bugs swarming up from the ground to bite them. None of the other away teams later reported bugs, so it must have been a localized occurrence. But how those bugs had pestered them!

Of course, they hadn’t realized the true extent of the bugs’ interference until they tried to beam back to the ship. First Kathryn and then Chakotay felt dizzy after they materialized on the transporter platform. Then they fell unconscious and were rushed to sickbay where the Doctor found the toxin in their systems - the fatal toxin that he eventually determined could only be neutralized by something in the planet’s atmosphere. And the end result of all of that meant that Kathryn was now standing in a beautiful meadow on a gorgeous day feeling the most depressed she had been in a long time.

All because of _bugs_.

“Captain? Are you alright?” Chakotay appeared beside her.

“Yes,” she said. “I’m just fine. Thank you.”

He did not look convinced. “Look on the bright side, you won’t have to see another Leola root again.”

This time she smiled. “True.”

“And I promise to be a considerate roommate.”

“Thank you.”

The whine of the transporter sounded behind them and a giant pile of crates and boxes appeared in the field.

“Well,” Kathryn said, “I guess this is it.”

Chakotay placed a hand on her shoulder consolingly.

Behind them, hidden in the trees, an unseen presence silently observed the two intruders.

* * *

The weeks passed slowly, and Kathryn slowly grew accustomed to living with a roommate. They began to develop a routine, which Kathryn found to her delight often included waking up to find a steaming cup of coffee on the box beside her bed. She had noticed that about Chakotay almost from the beginning – he was good at making her feel at home, no matter the circumstances. She just hoped she wouldn’t get too used to it before she found a cure for their illness. And she would find a cure, she knew. She had to. The alternative was too much for her to bear.

Things could have been worse, she supposed. If she had to be stranded with someone, she couldn’t have chosen someone more kind, more considerate, more useful, or more handsome… She shook the thought out of her head as she got up to face another day.

* * *

Light-years away, _Voyager_ flew among the unfamiliar stars, retreating farther away from the paradise planet with each passing moment. In one of the windows, Ensign Kayla Hayes stood, carefully setting a candle down on the windowsill. She focused her eyes on the flickering flame and clasped her hands together.

“If you’re listening to me, invisible helper,” she whispered. “Please find a way for us to bring our captain and commander back. The crew is lost without them. Please bring them back to us.”

For a long moment, the silence rang loud in her ears. Then came a whisper that was barely audible above the racing of her own thoughts.

_I’m trying_ , it said. _I’m trying._


	10. A Gift

“No peeking!” Chakotay told her sternly as he led Kathryn by the hand.

“How much further?” Kathryn asked, holding a hand tightly over her eyes.

“Just a little further. A little more. Watch out for that branch. And… we’re here!”

Kathryn opened her eyes and looked around. Before her, she saw, sitting in the glade outside their shelter, a wooden bathtub. “Oh my gods.”

“You said you missed your bathtub.”

“So you built a whole bathtub? Just for me?”

“Just for you.”

Kathryn tore her gaze away from the tub and saw Chakotay’s brilliant smile. _Oh my gods, he has dimples,_ she realized. _How did I miss that?_

“Thank you. So much!” On impulse, she flung her arms around him and pulled him close. _Oh gods, he smells good._

“I’m glad you like it.” His arms came up to hold her, but he felt tense. _Is that my heart pounding or his?_

She stepped back and Chakotay’s hand came up to tug on his ear. “Well, uh…”

“I was, uh…” Chakotay cleared his throat and began again. “I was thinking of making a rope-and-pulley system for you to get water here from the river, but I’m not confident enough in my engineering abilities for that.”

“Oh, I’m sure I can take care of that.”

“In the meantime I can help you haul buckets.”

“Thanks. And… thank you. For this. It’s… amazing.”

“Like I said, I’m glad you like it.” His hand came up to touch her shoulder. “And for the record, you’re worth it.”

He walked away, leaves crunching underfoot, leaving Kathryn alone with her gift. She ran her hands over the smooth wooden surface. Her heart fluttered with joy and she broke into a smile again at the unexpected kindness he had shown her. If she had to trapped on an isolated planet with anyone, she was glad it was with him.

* * *

Later that evening, after a lot of water-hauling, Kathryn stood in the woods near the house and disrobed in front of the tub. The water warmed her skin as she sank down into its depths. She leaned back against the side of the tub and closed her eyes in bliss.

To think that such a simple off-hand comment had led Chakotay to spend all that time building by hand such a wonderful gift for her. He was such a thoughtful man, always doing nice things for her. In the two weeks they had been living here on New Earth, she had begun to notice him going out of his way to help her.

Like the time she had tried to cook them dinner and he had come in to find her frantically poking a long stick at the beeping smoke detector on the ceiling. He had calmly turned off the alarm, recycled the charred food, and set about cleaning while cheering her up with a tale of his first less-than-successful forays into cooking. Ever since then, he had insisted on cooking their meals, leaving her to simply wash the dishes afterwards. It was the little things like that she loved about the man.

Her eyes snapped open.

_Not_ love _, love,_ she tried to reason. _Just_ like _, love. I mean, he’s nice and kind and caring and a damn good cook and he did build this whole bathtub and all but… Dammit, I am an engaged woman! And I can’t give up hope of ever seeing Mark again. I just can’t. But still…_

_Who spends two weeks building a bathtub by hand? A person with lots of dedication, that’s who. And why would he do that just for me? Unless… it’s his way of showing affection. A_ lot _of affection._

She slapped the water and winced as some of it splashed up into her eye.

Did he think of her… _that way_? Did _she_ think of _him_ that way?

She paused, unable to immediately produce an answer to her question. Her cheeks flamed with a heat hotter than the warmth of the water.

_Oh._

_Oh no._


	11. Just the Wind

Having finished his secret project, Chakotay began to spend more time inside the house, working on sand paintings to hang on the walls or unpacking and rearranging their boxes of belongings.

So Kathryn began to spend more time outside. She wouldn’t have admitted that she was avoiding Chakotay, but she needed time to sort through her feelings. And boy, were there a lot of feelings to sort through.

She was no stranger to romantic attraction, and she could not deny that Chakotay was an attractive person. The moment he had entered her presence she had felt the atmosphere become charged with tension – anxious tension, she had assumed at the time. But in hindsight, she thought her heart might have been lost the moment she heard that damn soft voice of his and looked up into his big brown eyes. She cherished the friendship that had grown between them, but she knew that one wrong step or unfounded assumption about his feelings for her could irreparably damage their relationship. And besides, what would Mark think when she eventually found a cure and they left this planet to catch up with _Voyager_? Did she really want to have to look him in the eyes and explain she had fallen in love with someone else? With an enemy of the Federation, no less.

She packed up her scientific equipment and several padds into a bag, replicated a wrapped-up sandwich and a carafe of coffee, and set off into the woods to do her research in the great outdoors.

“Have fun!” Chakotay called cheerily after her.

Through the woods and following the river, Kathryn walked along, checking the insect traps she passed. The sun was warm, and the birds were singing, and Kathryn began to hum along. It was a pleasant day, and she was enjoying the fresh air and the scientific challenge. She hummed an aimless tune as she jumped on rocks to get across the river. She trudged through the trees until she found herself in a clearing filled with a carpet of daisies and she looked around with a satisfied smile. She set her bag down on the grass and began to unpack her equipment.

She heard a rustle in the trees behind her. “Chakotay, are you following me?” she called, not looking up.

There was no answer.

_Just the wind,_ she thought.

Sitting cross-legged on the grass, she pulled out a padd and began to study the data she had gathered so far. None of the insects she had caught so far seemed to carry the disease, or any disease that she could tell, but it was only a matter of time before she found the bug that would be their ticket out of this place.

_Not that it’s a bad place to be stranded,_ she thought, looking around at the flora surrounding her.

Suddenly, there was a rustle in the branches above her and something glided down from the treetop. It was a small, brown bird.

“Well, hello there,” Kathryn said.

The bird hopped closer.

“You’re not afraid at all, are you?”

The bird chirped and cocked its head.

“Are you hungry, by any chance?” Kathryn fished around in her bag and drew out the sandwich. She broke a piece off the crust and tossed it to the bird.

The bird hopped to it and gobbled up the crumb.

“You like that? You want some more?”

The bird chirped and flapped happily. Kathryn tossed it another crumb and it pounced on it.

Another rustle sounded in the trees above her and the bird looked up sharply.

“Did you bring friends with you?”

Without a sound, the bird turned and flew away.

“Goodbye, I guess. Rude.” Kathryn packed up the sandwich and stowed it back in her bag. She heard another rustle behind her.

“Is someone there?”

Not even a bird song answered her. The air was still, as though the forest itself were holding its breath.

Her heartbeat quickened as she developed the distinct impression of eyes boring into her from somewhere close by. She looked around but saw nothing.

Kathryn closed her eyes and reached out with her mind, searching for any unusual presences nearby. She could sense Chakotay, back at the house, working happily on something or other, but nothing near her.

Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of dread gripped her senses and her eyes snapped open. Hands trembling, she shoved all her gear back into the bag and bolted from the clearing. She felt shadows around her, chasing her, nipping at her heels until she reached the river. Slowing only to ensure she didn’t slip on the rocks, she jumped across the steppingstone path over the river and landed heavily on the other side.

Then, the shadows receded. She felt safe again.

She rested her hands on her knees and leaned forward heavily, catching her breath.

”What was that?” she whispered.

There was no doubt in her mind that something was lurking in those woods. Something even she couldn’t sense properly. Something that was not happy about the intrusion of these two mortals into its world.

Something that was definitely not just the wind.


	12. Letting Go

Kathryn did not tell Chakotay what she had experienced, and she did not cross the river again. As the days passed, she continued her work to find a specimen of the insect that had infected them and try to find a cure, but with each passing day with no success, her resolve began to waver.

One day, she exited the shelter with a case of supplies slung over her shoulder to find Chakotay hard at work nearby.

“What are you up to now?” she chuckled.

“Making headboards.”

“Headboards?”

“I've noticed you sometimes sit up in your bed to read. I figured you might as well have a comfortable backrest.”

She smiled. “That's very thoughtful of you, Chakotay. You've done so many things to make our lives easier here. The cooking, for example. I hate to cook.”

Chakotay paused in his work and turned to face her. “But what I do makes you uncomfortable, doesn't it? Every time I do something that adds a personal touch to the shelter, you resist it.”

Kathryn’s smile faded. “Sometimes it feels as though you've given up, that you're focused on making a home here instead of finding a cure that will let us leave.”

“I can't sacrifice the present waiting for a future that may never happen. The reality of this situation is that we may never leave here. So, yes, I'm trying to make a home. Something that's more than a plain, grey box.”

Kathryn smiled wistfully. “Someday I may have to let go. But not today, okay?” He helped her to her feet and she began to walk into the woods. “I've tried a new glucose bait in the traps,” she called over her shoulder. “I have a feeling this might be the day I make a breakthrough.”

She picked her way through the trees, humming tunelessly as she went. She kept her eyes and ears open for anything strange or inexplicable but saw nothing out of the ordinary. Suddenly, a rustle in the trees caught her attention. “Hello? Chakotay?”

Out of the trees appeared not Chakotay, but the primate who had interrupted her bath time a few days prior.

“Hello again,” she greeted it. “Well, you certainly cover a lot of territory. Or are you following me? Do you understand me?”

She pointed at a bug buzzing near her face.

“There. Know what that is? That little insect just might be what gets me out of your backyard. What do you think of that, huh?”

Then she realized the primate was pointing upwards and shrieking.

“What is it?” Large grey clouds began to roll in quickly as the wind picked up. “What's happened to the sky?” A loud clap of thunder boomed overhead and suddenly, fear gripped her heart. The same deep, bone-chilling dread that had driven her from the woods before.

“If you're suggesting I should get out of here, I agree,” she said quickly.

She snatched up her gear and ran back in the direction of the shelter. Thunder boomed again and the ground shook roughly. She fell hard to the ground.

The dread in her heart turned to agonizing whispers.

_You should not be here. You need to leave. You should not remain._

“Kathryn!” she heard Chakotay’s voice cut through the whispers. “Kathryn. Are you hurt?” His strong arms surrounded her and she let his concerned presence fill her mind, blocking out the whispers.

She leaned against his sturdy frame as they leaned into the wind and trudged slowly back to the relative safety of their shelter.

Even there, the ground still shook and all of their possessions that weren’t nailed down flew across the room like projectiles. Chakotay pulled Kathryn under a table and sheltered her against him. All she could do was watch with horror as her scientific equipment was tossed around in the gale. Her eyes stung as she watched her hopes of leaving this planet shatter on the floor before her.

After what seemed like an eternity, the storm passed, leaving chaos and devastation in its wake.

“Let's check outside,” Chakotay suggested. “Maybe some of the insect traps are still intact.”

But outside was even worse. Branches were strewn across the yard. Pieces of the shelter had been torn off by the wind and were scattered about. And her precious insect traps were shattered on the ground.

“None of this is salvageable either,” she said. “There's no way I can continue to do my research.”

“I'm sorry.”

She stood and sadly surveyed the wreckage of her shattered hopes. “Well, that's one way of letting go.”


	13. Legends

Kathryn lay in bed that night, her face stoic but her fists curled into balls.

 _What the hell was I thinking_ _? Letting him touch me like that._ Her thoughts drifted back to earlier that evening, when she had complained of sore muscles – “My knots have got knots!” she had laughed – and Chakotay, kind as always, had come to her aid offering a shoulder massage. _My gods, his hands are so strong though. And it felt so good._ She sighed and ran a hand over her face. _This can never happen again, no matter how much I want it to. And I do want it to, so much. Get your thoughts together, woman!_

Sighing in frustration, she flung off the blankets and slipped out of bed. She needed to set this right, right here and now. She padded out to the main room where Chakotay was sitting.

“We have to talk about this,” she said, with what she hoped was an even tone.

“All right.”

“I think we need to define some parameters… about us.”

“I'm not sure I can define parameters,” Chakotay said. “But I can tell you a story, an ancient legend among my people.

“It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe, a man who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years, he struggled with his discontent. But the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day he and his war party were captured by a neighbouring tribe led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on, her needs would come first. And in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace.”

Kathryn gazed at him for a long moment, a smile slowly creeping up her face. “Is that really… an _ancient_ _legend_?”

Chakotay smiled back. “No. But that made it easier to say.”

Kathryn didn’t need her other senses to see the love that was so clearly visible in his eyes at that moment. She reached up a hand and it met his, their fingers lacing together.

“Let me tell you a story now,” she murmured, her eyes never leaving his. “It won’t be as eloquent as yours, but it’s true.

“It’s about a woman warrior who had loved many people over a long time. But over the years, she lost everyone she loved. Her father and her first fiancé died in a tragic accident. Her mother and her second fiancé were gone when she became lost, far from home. She had lived a long time and loved many people, but all of them were gone now. And she began to wonder if that’s all that life had for her… just loss and pain. She began to wonder if it was worth it to keep loving people only to lose them eventually. So she decided she didn’t want to love anyone again, because she didn’t want to lose anyone again. But then… then she met someone. Someone who loved her enough to build her a whole entire bathtub.” Chakotay chuckled. “And she began to think that… maybe… maybe it’s worth it. To love someone… just one more time. Here, where it’s safe, and nothing can possibly happen. Maybe, it’ll be safe if… if I love you.”

Chakotay grinned and clutched her hand tighter.

“I love you too,” he said. He stood and pulled her up and into his open arms. She hugged him close, drinking in his warmth and his comforting scent. He stroked a hand down the back of her hair and kissed the top of her head. She snuggled closer into his neck.

“I love you, Kathryn Janeway,” she heard him whisper, “and I will never let you go.”


	14. A Day Out

“Good morning,” Chakotay greeted her as she emerged from her bedroom the next morning. “Did you sleep well?”

“Very well, thank you,” she smiled. “I had very pleasant dreams last night.”

“Was I in them?” Chakotay asked, a mischievous smile on his face.

“Maybe,” Kathryn winked.

“I’ve been thinking, since we spent so much time tidying up yesterday, maybe we should take today to relax and go on a picnic or something. It would be nice to explore a little further out.”

“Will there be coffee?”

“Of course.”

“Then I’m on board. Where should we go?”

“How about the other side of the river?”

Kathryn’s smile froze. “The… other side… of the river…”

“Yeah, we haven’t been over that way yet and I’m curious to see it.”

She forced the corners of her mouth upwards again. “Sure.”

The day proved to be pleasantly warm as the two of them set out to follow the river. Chakotay carried the picnic basket in one hand and held Kathryn’s hand in the other, a big smile on his face as he walked. Kathryn smiled back, but inside her thoughts were whirling.

_What about what happened last time I went that way? Will those feelings and whatever caused them return? What if there’s another storm while we’re so far from the shelter? What if we get lost? What if the whispers come back? What if…_

“I can hear you thinking,” Chakotay said. “What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing,” she said, forcing lightness into her tone. “Just excited for the day ahead.”

They followed the river until they found the same steppingstones Kathryn had used last time to cross the river. They continued holding hands as they jumped across, but Chakotay was not quite as light on his feet as Kathryn was and he fell into the water, pulling her down with him with a splash.

“Hey!”

“Sorry!” he said sheepishly.

“I’m all soaked now!”

“We’ll just have to lie in the sun for a while to dry off.”

_It seems like nothing can dampen his good mood,_ she observed.

They squelched along in their wet clothes until they found the clearing Kathryn had discovered the last time.

Chakotay began laying down the blanket and setting out the food he had brought while Kathryn walked slowly around the clearing. She picked daisies as she walked to cover the trepidation she felt at being in this place again. She remembered all too well the bone-chilling terror that had gripped her out of nowhere, and her retreat that could not be hasty enough. She shivered, despite the warm breeze, and turned when she heard Chakotay call her name.

“Do you want some coffee, or should I drink it all?”

“Don’t you dare,” she laughed and walked back to join him.

They spent the day lying in the sun, picking at their lunch and making daisy chains and chatting about everything and nothing.

“On a day like this, this place reminds me of Trebus before the Cardassians hit it,” Chakotay said, not looking up from weaving daisies.

“Really?”

“I used to swim in the lake and pick flowers with my sister and climb the trees looking for bird nests. I used to hate it when my parents made me stay inside.”

“You’re the opposite of me then,” Kathryn laughed. “I used to hate being made to go outside. I preferred reading scientific journals and building model starships.”

“Sounds lonely.”

“I’m used to having only myself for company.”

Chakotay lifted the wreath of flowers he had woven and placed it gently on Kathryn’s head. “A crown fit for a queen,” he said.

“Hm, I like the sound of that title,” Kathryn smiled. “The Queen of New Earth.”

“Does that make me the king?”

“Unless you prefer ‘consort’.”

“I’ll stick with ‘king’, thanks.”

Just then, the wind began to whip around them. It lifted Kathryn’s flower crown from atop her hair and whisked it away into the distance. Ominous grey clouds began to roll in out of nowhere and thunder rumbled in the distance.

“Another storm so soon after the last one?” Chakotay asked.

Kathryn didn’t move. A deep, existential terror had begun to worm its way into her heart and bones. The darkness was back, whispering in her mind, piercing through her like the icy chill of the wind.

_You shouldn’t be here._

“Kathryn! I said, let’s go back before that storm hits.”

Kathryn grabbed the offered hand and pulled herself to her feet.

Suddenly, thunder cracked overhead, and the ground was torn out from under them.

_You shouldn’t be here!_ A strange voice shrieked with the wind overhead. _Leave at once!_


	15. Battle With the Beast

Dodging flailing branches, they ran. The storm swirled around them and thunder crashed overhead. Chakotay and Kathryn clung tightly to each other for support as they braced against the maelstrom.

“We’re almost there!” Chakotay shouted. Kathryn glanced up and could see the clearing with the shelter ahead of them. But something seemed off about their view. It was obscured by a large, dark cloud that hovered over the ground between them and safety.

“What’s that?” Kathryn shouted.

“I have no idea.”

The shadow swirled and coalesced into a thick mist. A deafening roar came from it and it began to charge at the two of them.

Chakotay tucked Kathryn against him and threw themselves to the ground. They felt a searing heat as the shadow passed over them.

“Did you bring a phaser?” Kathryn asked.

“No. I didn’t think we’d need it,” Chakotay replied.

The cloud of malice resumed its position between them and the shelter. It had no face for them to read, but Kathryn sensed that it was taunting them, daring them to make another move.

“I’m going to make a run for the shelter to see if I can grab the phaser,” Chakotay said. “Stay here.”

He dashed off towards the grey house, but as soon as he came near the black cloud, he was thrown backwards into the air and landed heavily on the ground.

“Chakotay!” Kathryn ran to his side. “Are you hurt?”

“No.” He picked himself up. “I don’t think we can get past it.”

“What does it want?”

“If it wants a fight, I don’t think we can give it one. It’s too strong.”

Kathryn closed her eyes and opened her mind. She sought out the presence that loomed before them, but she did not find what she thought she would find. There was no greater consciousness behind this creature. It seemed to her senses to be nothing more than a swirling mass of unbalanced emotion, volatile and dangerous. Its entire being encompassed them completely but was focused here on the point where the cloud hovered. It was not malevolent, simply chaotic.

She opened her eyes when Chakotay touched her arm. “Are you alright?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said. A crash of thunder shook the world around them. “A phaser isn’t going to work. You’ll need a massive amount of energy to disperse that thing.”

“Like what?”

“Leave that to me.” She snatched a fallen stick off the ground and turned to face the wind.

“What are you doing?”

“Just trust me!” She braced against the maelstrom around her and trudged step by step towards the enormous wall of shadows.

“I know you’re upset,” she called out to it in her mind, “but we have no choice about being here. You’ll have to leave us be, or I will make you go.”

The creature roared in defiance.

“Okay, so much for diplomacy.” Kathryn held the stick out before her like a phaser and closed her eyes. She called up energy from deep within herself, from deep into her connection with life itself, and began to channel it into the solid wood in her hands.

Chakotay watched from the edge of the clearing as Kathryn stood in front of the creature, eyes closed and hands extended, holding the stick in front of her. He saw the wood in her hands begin to glow a bright golden and the hand that had been tugging at his ear paused. Suddenly, a flash of golden light emanated from Kathryn’s position, blinding him momentarily, and when his eyes focused again, he saw her rushing at the creature before them.

The shadows coiled in on itself, poised to strike, but Kathryn swung her arm around in front of her and a fluid string of light swung like a whip into the creature. The whip cracked and the creature howled. Kathryn spun and swung the lightning whip again and the shadows fled backwards. Kathryn stood her ground and aimed the golden weapon, which began to glow brightly again. It grew brighter and brighter until Chakotay couldn’t bear to look at it any longer. Suddenly, with a resonant boom, the light exploded.

The shockwave knocked Chakotay off his feet and made his ears ring. He rubbed his eyes to clear the stars swirling before him. Slowly, he began to make out a figure walking towards him through the swirling clouds of dust and debris.

“Kathryn?”

“Are you alright?” she asked, kneeling beside him.

He nodded and looked around. The dust was settling. The sky was clear. The air was calm.

He looked down at her hands. All that remained in them was charred wood chips and splinters.

“What…” he looked up at her face, then back at her hands. Despite being at the epicentre of the explosion, there was not a mark on her. “What are you?”


	16. What Are You?

“Now, don’t freak out.”

“What’s there to freak out about?!” Chakotay exclaimed, jumping to his feet. “We just got attacked by some sort of shadow monster, and you fought it off using some kind of energy magic. I guess this is all just a normal day in your book, huh!”

“Okay, that qualifies as ‘freaking out’.” Kathryn wiped away some sweat on her forehead and sat down on the grass. “I guess I do owe you an explanation for what you just saw.”

“That would be appreciated.” Chakotay sat down cross-legged beside her and waited.

“So I would guess that the being you just saw is some kind of nature spirit that resides here and is not happy about the balance of its world being upset by--”

“Oh, I don’t care about that,” Chakotay interjected. “I’ve seen enough weird shit in Starfleet to be able to pass right over that creature. What I care about is you. You’ve been lying to me about what you are, and I don’t know if I can trust you anymore.”

“What I am…” Kathryn began slowly, “is… I guess you would call me ‘an energy being’. I’ve been called many things, but that one is most accurate. I was born into a plane of existence near your own, a plane made up not of matter but of energy and thought. In my truest form, I am more of a disembodied soul. Only, for now at least, I have a body. Every now and then I like to be born as a human just to experience your world as it changes throughout time.”

“How long have you been alive?” Chakotay asked hesitantly.

Kathryn shrugged. “A few centuries at least. I gave up keeping track of your calendar, to be honest.”

Chakotay was silent, letting this new information sink in. Then he asked, “Is Kathryn even your real name?”

The woman before him shook her head. “My name could never be verbalized by your human tongue,” she said. “It’s made up of feelings and sensations, not sounds or words.”

Chakotay nodded and continued to look dazed. “I have so many questions,” he murmured. “What’s your home like? Why are you so interested in humans? How can you do the things you can do? Where do I start?”

Kathryn chuckled and laid her hand on his arm. “It’s okay. Just slow down. My home is… very different from yours. It’s made up of swirling clouds of energy and everyone is incorporeal and telepathic. I can manipulate energy like that because I’m made of energy. It’s an extension of myself. I understand it on a level you can’t. And I’m interested in humans because I was created by humans, as were most of my kind.”

“Wait, what? How could humans possibly create someone as powerful as you?”

“They didn’t on purpose. You see, human emotional energy resonates with the energy on my plane. You would think of it as a plane of thought. Look, it’s complicated.” She brought a hand up to her mouth and began absent-mindedly biting on a nail. “All you need to know is that human emotions and thoughts create things in my world. Your needs and desires create living beings. And throughout the centuries, many of your kind have called us ‘spirits’ or even ‘gods’.”

“Gods? You’re telling me you’re a god?” He scoffed.

“No, I’m not saying that at all,” she said quickly. “I don’t think of myself that way at all and I never could. It’s just that… well, here’s what happened. Long ago on Earth, a child made a prayer. They created an image in their mind of a being, a person, who would give them the guidance they needed. They wanted help doing better in school, and so they asked for help. They prayed from the depths of their heart and that emotion made me. I simply awoke with their prayer in my heart and their needs in my mind.

“I knew I needed to be what they needed me to be, and I tried, I really did. I don’t think I did well, though, because after a while they forgot about me. And no one else on your world knew of my existence, so I was alone. I didn’t know what to do. I tried watching your lives and even living my own human life to gain knowledge about you. I thought maybe I would get a second chance and I could do better.” She sighed and gazed up at the stars above them. “Everyone else knows how to be what their worshippers need them to be. But I don’t. I’ve tried lending my aid to children and scholars alike, but all of them eventually forget me and move on. I’ve failed all of them.”

She looked down and quickly brushed a stray tear off her cheek. “I’m sorry,” she said. “You wanted a simple explanation but instead I’m just rambling on about everything.”

“Hey.” Chakotay tucked a finger under her chin and lifted her gaze to meet his. “You haven’t failed me,” he said. “You’re the best damn captain I’ve ever met and the closest friend I’ve ever had. And you’re welcome to ramble on about anything you want. I’ll always listen.”

She smiled her crooked smile and clasped his hand gratefully. “Thank you,” she whispered.


	17. Late-Night Ponderings

A goddess. His lover was a literal freaking goddess.

Was his life always going to be so gods-damned weird?

He lay in bed that night, pondering the events of the day. He had gone on what might just qualify as a first date with the woman he loved, only to have that date interrupted by a freak storm brought on by some kind of shadow monster, and then his lover-who-is-actually-a-goddess fought off the monster and saved their lives.

 _A perfectly normal day in the Delta Quadrant,_ he scoffed silently.

He thought back on the conversation they had had once they got back to the house and they had healed their scrapes and bruises from their mad dash through the storm.

“So… what exactly are you a goddess of?” he had asked.

“The seeking of knowledge,” she had replied. “At least, I think that’s my true calling.”

“You _think_ so?”

“It’s not like I’m born knowing exactly who I’m meant to be. No one is, on any plane of existence. All I know is what that person prayed for and I _think_ what that girl wanted help with was doing better in school. So… knowledge.”

“Is that why you’re a scientist?”

“In this lifetime at least, yes.”

“How many lifetimes have you lived?”

“Human lifetimes? Three. One in the thirteenth century, one in the twentieth century, and this one. I was a woman for all of those lives, and I must say I much prefer this century as far as civil rights go.”

After a moment, an idea occurred to him. “Do you have any other powers? Like that energy whip thing you did earlier?”

“Yes, but for something like that I need a focus. Something I can channel my energy into, otherwise these poor mortal hands will suffer terribly.”

“What else can you do?”

In answer, she had reached up and touched his cheek gently with her fingers. Suddenly, his mind began to swirl with the sensation of a second presence sharing his consciousness. Words and sounds flashed by too quickly for his conscious mind to comprehend. Then as soon as it had started, it was over. Kathryn withdrew her hand and smiled.

“ _Ti amo_ ,” she said.

“’I love you’,” he translated. “How did I know that?”

“I gave you my knowledge. My whole race is telepathic.”

“Wow.”

“In a mortal body, my telepathic powers are strongest when I’m in physical contact with a person, but I can still implant a suggestion in their mind even without that - a thought or an emotion I want them to feel.”

“So when you were always touching people on the Bridge…”

“That was mostly just because I’m a touchy-feely kind of person,” she had laughed. “But some of that was me telepathically implanting strength and courage to get everyone through our latest ordeal.”

He couldn’t help but be impressed.

“Like you saw,” she continued, “I can manipulate energy in a limited fashion. And I can project my consciousness outside of my body and travel in my non-corporeal state. But that’s about it.”

“Wait, were you the mist I kept seeing when I was astral projecting?”

She smiled and nodded.

“Is there anyone else in this life who knows who you really are?”

“Kes knows,” she responded. “Her telepathic powers are stronger than she knows, and she picked up that I’m something stronger than merely human. My mother might suspect something, but she never brought it up. Also Ensign Hayes might know. She was praying one night, just sending her words out into the cosmos to anyone who might be listening. She was feeling homesick and hopeless and wanted guidance, and I happened to hear her words, so I offered some comfort. I don’t know if she knows it was _me_ , though.”

“I have one last question,” Chakotay said. “Do you consider yourself to be… _above_ anyone else, just because you’re a goddess?”

“Hell no,” she laughed. “I’m not even good at being a goddess; I certainly don’t deserve to feel any arrogance about it.”

“Well, whether you think you’re a good deity or not,” Chakotay had said. “You’ll always be more than good enough to me.” He held up his hand and Kathryn entwined her fingers in his. He then leaned forward and kissed the back of her hand. “I love you.”

She had leaned forward then and kissed him, their first proper kiss, deeply on the lips.

Lying in bed hours later, he reached up and touched his tingling lips at the memory. He turned his head to look at the wall behind which his lover lay sleeping. He thought if he could concentrate he might just be able to hear the sound of her breathing.

No, wait. That was the sound of footsteps.

Suddenly, his blanket was pulled back and he sat up with a start.

“Just me.” Kathryn sat down on the bed beside him and tucked her feet up under the covers. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Uh, Kathryn? This bed’s not big enough for both of us.”

“Then we’ll have to stay close,” she said, snuggling up beside him. “And tomorrow we’ll push the two beds together to make one big bed.”

He smiled in the darkness. “Okay, we’ll do that.” He tucked the blanket around the two of them and wrapped his arms around the small figure beside him. “Sleep tight.”


	18. Planting Seeds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's implied off-screen sex in the middle of this chapter, so be warned if that's not your thing.

Kathryn woke slowly and stretched lazily. In the weeks since their romantic declarations, they had rearranged the internal layout of the house, moving the two beds together to make one double bed and unpacking the last of the boxes to make the place less like a shelter and more like a home.

“Sleep well?” Chakotay asked, entering the room with a steaming cup of coffee.

“How do you always get up so early?” Kathryn grumbled, wiping sleep from her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Why do you always get up so late?” Chakotay retorted with a smile.

“I get up on a normal people schedule. You get up with the roosters.” Kathryn accepted the coffee and began sipping it while Chakotay sat down on the edge of the bed.

“So what are your plans for the day?” he asked.

“I just woke up. It’s too early to plan.”

“I was thinking we should start a garden.”

“A garden?”

“Yes, grow our own fruits and vegetables. My cooking will be even better with fresh produce.”

“Ooh, I’m all for that.” She sat up straighter. “What shall we grow?”

“Well, I found a whole bunch of seeds in one of the boxes. Let’s put them in the ground and see what comes up, huh?”

While Kathryn showered and dressed, Chakotay found the seeds and replicated the necessary tools for the task ahead of them.

“I’ve marked out where the garden will go, so why don’t you grab that shovel and help me dig up the grass?”

“Aye aye!” Kathryn laughed, setting her a coffee cup and flask down on the ground.

The hours passed quickly as they set to work clearing the grass in their new garden bed and marking the rows and sorting the seeds. Chakotay poked holes in the soil with his fingers and Kathryn dropped several seeds into each hole and covered them up.

“There!” she said finally. “Last one done!”

“Now we wait.”

“How long?”

“However long it takes.”

“I hate waiting,” Kathryn grumbled. “Fortunately, I don’t have to.”

While Chakotay watched curiously, she stuck her fingers into the soil and closed her eyes. Her hands began to glow bright golden and something under the soil shifted.

Slowly, ever so slowly, tiny seedlings began to sprout around her fingers.

“Holy shit,” Chakotay whispered.

Kathryn chuckled, delighted with her work. “Not holy,” she said. “Just me.” She picked up the watering can and began watering the newly-sprouted plants. “I can’t give them much, but I can give them just a little bit of energy at a time to help them grow.”

She looked up to see Chakotay gazing at her with love and adoration in his eyes. She looked away and felt the heat rising to her cheeks.

“You have a little bit of dirt on your cheek,” she heard Chakotay say.

She brushed at it then laughed. “I’m probably just making it worse.”

“Yep,” he chuckled. “You’ve also got a little bit… _there_.” He patted her on the nose with a dirty finger, leaving a dark smudge behind.

“Hey!” They laughed together. “Well you’ve got some there!” She smeared her hand on his cheek. “And there!” She grabbed his shoulder. “And there! And _there!”_

She began to tackle him with her dirty hands, and he grabbed at her wrists, trying to stop her. They lost their balance and fell to the ground, laughing.

Suddenly, Chakotay wound his hand into Kathryn’s hair and pulled her down for a kiss. She leaned into it, kissing him back passionately. She pressed her body firmly against his and felt the growing evidence of his desire.

Before she knew what was happening, she was tearing at his shirt while he pulled at her dress, both trying desperately to decrease the barriers between them.

Kathryn hit the ground as Chakotay rolled them over. She felt tugging at her panties and heard the fabric tear. She fumbled at the button on his pants. But then his hands wrapped around hers, stilling her movements.

“Kathryn, wait. Are you sure about this?” he looked concerned. “I always thought our first time would be slow and sensual, not frantic fucking in the garden.”

She raised a finger and pressed it against his lips. “I’m more sure than I’ve ever been,” she said.

His smile returned and he leaned down to kiss her once again.

Later that afternoon, Chakotay found Kathryn still by the garden, playing with the seedlings. They had grown considerably since they had been planted mere hours before, probably helped on by a few of Kathryn’s energy transfers.

“How are they coming?” he asked, sitting down beside her.

“Very nicely. We should have vine-ripened Talaxian tomatoes in a couple of months, unless this planet has the equivalent of tomato bugs. Oh, they're awful.”

“I would never have thought of you as a gardener.”

“I grew up around farmers. My parents insisted we learn some basic gardening skills.”

“Did you hate that as much as camping?”

“Of course. Who wanted to muck around in the dirt when you could be studying quantum mechanics?” she laughed. “But I find it very satisfying now, watching the seeds sprout and grow.”

“They seem to be growing very quickly, considering we only planted them this morning.” They laughed together. “If your tomatoes could spare you for a minute, I'd like your opinion on something in the house.”

“Well, you've come to the right person,” Kathryn said. “I always have an opinion.”

Chakotay led her inside and activated the computer, showing her a schematic on the screen.

“What do you think?”

“A boat!” she gasped, delighted.

“You said you wanted to explore the river. I think I could build this.”

“We could go on a camping trip!” she was beginning to get into the idea now.

“I'm not sure we could fit the bathtub in the boat,” Chakotay pointed out.

“Well, that's all right. I'll have the river,” she laughed.

Suddenly, their conversation was interrupted by the sound of static.

“Do you hear that?” she asked.

“Yes.” He moved towards the source of the noise and picked up their comm badges off a shelf. Kathryn sank onto a chair, a sense of dread welling up inside her.

“…to Captain Janeway, do you read me?” a voice was heard calling through the comm line. “This is Tuvok calling Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Please respond.”

Kathryn tapped the badge. “This is Janeway.”

“Captain, it's good to hear your voice.” Tuvok said. “We have news.”

“What is it?” she asked hesitantly.

“We have medicine which we believe will effectively treat your condition. We plan to be in orbit within thirty hours.”

Kathryn’s eyes met Chakotay’s as a myriad of emotions swirled up inside her. Sadness, hope, frustration, fear, and joy as intertwined as she and Chakotay had been mere hours ago, back when they thought they had their whole lives to be together. Together in paradise.

“Understood,” she said, fighting to keep her tone level. “We’ll be expecting you. Janeway out.” She dropped the comm badge to the table as quickly as if it had burned her and stood up from the chair.

“Kathryn…” Chakotay began, but Kathryn cut him off.

“We have a lot of packing to do, Commander, and not a lot of time to do it in. I suggest we get started.”

And she pushed past him into the bedroom.


	19. Their Last Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for suicide mention, and references to death and depression

The stars glittered brightly above Kathryn as she lay in the grass outside the shelter. She raised a hand and began to trace lines connecting the points of light. The stars had become familiar to her by now, with invisible lines of constellations she and Chakotay had named together. Stars she would never see again after tonight.

“There you are,” Chakotay said as he sat down beside her. “I’ve tried to give you space since Tuvok called, but we need to talk.”

He was met with silence.

“Talk to me, please. At least tell me what you’re doing out here.”

“Contemplating,” she replied.

“Oh?”

“Voyager’s probably up there somewhere by now.”

“Probably.”

“We’re going to have to go back to our old lives.”

“Yes.”

She continued tracing constellations silently. “I’ve finally come to like living here,” she said eventually. “I like living with you. I want to have a chance to explore what our relationship could be.”

“We still have a chance to do that,” he said.

“I can’t balance work and a relationship like that, especially when we’ll be working so closely together.”

“My people have a saying…”

“Another ‘ancient legend’?”

“’You won’t know until you try it’.”

Kathryn laughed. “Now, I know I’ve heard that one before.”

“My point,” he said, “is that you won’t know whether you can balance work and romance until you try it. Until you give us a chance. Maybe we could work.”

“Or maybe we couldn’t.”

“Kathryn,” he tilted her chin to look up at him, “what’s this really about? Are you so afraid of having a relationship that you’re making up excuses?”

Kathryn sighed and sat up. “I’ve lost a lot of people I loved, Chakotay,” she said. “In this lifetime alone, I’ve lost friends and family and even two lovers. My first fiancé died in a shuttle crash, did you know that? And I was so devastated then that I swore I would never love another Starfleet man again. It’s too dangerous. Any day could be your last.”

“So you should live every day to the fullest, rather than hiding from it. That doesn’t sound like you.”

“You don’t understand.” Kathryn reached out and grasped his hand.

Suddenly, his mind was filled with images and emotions. A laughing young man with his arm around Kathryn’s shoulders. The joy as she opened a box with an engagement ring. The heartache as she watched his shuttle sink into the icy lake, powerless to help him. The despair and despondency as she found herself alone and lost without him by her side. The complete and utter hopelessness she had felt for months after the fact and the times she had come close to taking her own life.

He gasped as she broke the connection and the images vanished.

“I can’t go through that again,” she said. “Not when I love you so much.”

He studied her face under the light of the stars. “I love you too,” he said softly. “That’s why I don’t want to let you go. Besides,” he shifted closer to her, “what do you regret more about your time with him – the time you shared with him, or not having long enough together?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course I wish we had had longer together.”

“Then how would you feel if I were to die next week? Wouldn’t you regret the time you had spent pushing me away? Wouldn’t you wish we had had longer together?” She was silent, contemplating his words. “You said you were interested in the human experience. Well, this is about as human as it gets. Love and loss are part of our existence whether you like it or not. And at the end of the day, if you keep hiding your heart away you’re going to lose it altogether. You need to strengthen those muscles by loving deeply and unashamedly.”

“You almost sound like a philosopher,” Kathryn said. “Or Shakespeare, waxing poetic about love.”

“I’m honoured by the comparison,” Chakotay said. “Just think about it, okay? Don’t make any decisions tonight. Just enjoy the stars and think about my words. I’ll still be here for you in the morning.”

Kathryn turned to study his face. Even in the dim light, she could see the love in his eyes. On impulse, she placed a hand on his cheek and quickly pressed her lips against his. The kiss only lasted a second, but it sent tingles through her lips and down her spine.

“Thank you,” she said, “for being there for me.”

“Always,” he replied. He slid his hand around the back of her head and pulled her in for a second kiss, deeper, longer this time.

After they broke apart, she asked, “Do you really think we can make this work?”

“I know we’ll try,” Chakotay said, “and that’s good enough for me.”


	20. Never Alone

Kathryn was seated on the sofa in her quarters, a mug of coffee in her hands and her eyes on the stars streaking past her window at warp speed. Her mind drifted back to the night before, when she had lain in her lover’s arms, savouring his warmth by her side. It had been three days since she had given the order to leave New Earth behind. Her belongings were unpacked, and her quarters were back in their former order, but she couldn’t help feeling there was something missing. She had grown accustomed to seeing his belongings alongside her own, his clothing strewn about in his usual untidy manner, his books on the table beside the bed. He had given her space that first day to regain her equilibrium, to find her captain’s mask again. But last night she had shown up at his quarters a little before midnight and flung her arms around him as soon as the doors closed behind her. They had made love that night under the light of passing stars.

“Maybe we could rethink these living arrangements,” she had suggested later. “It’s easier to sleep with your arms around me.”

“I’m sure the captain could be persuaded to approve the change of living quarters,” he had smiled. They had agreed then that before the week was out, he would move his belongings into her quarters.

The ring of the door chime pulled her from her reverie.

“Come,” she called, and smiled when she saw Chakotay enter. He approached the sofa and pulled her into his arms.

“Do you know... how hard... it's been...” he said between kissing her, “to sit next to you... _all day_... and not touch you?”

“Why do you think I escaped to the Ready Room as soon as I could?” she replied. “Do you think the crew has noticed that things are different between us?”

“Who cares?” Chakotay tried to reclaim her lips, but her finger stopped him.

“I care,” she said. “I care because if our relationship affects the smooth operating of the ship and crew, we might have to rethink the way things are going.”

“Kathryn, the crew won’t object to you being happy. A happy captain makes for a happy crew.”

“That sounds like something you’d put on a coffee cup.”

“Hm. Idea for your next birthday present, perhaps?”

She laughed and walked around him towards the replicator. “I hope Neelix hasn’t prepared anything extravagant. I really don’t like when people make a fuss over me.” Her empty cup shimmered into oblivion, but still she kept her back to him.

“Don’t worry, I asked him to keep things simple.” There was a beat of silence. “Kathryn, are you okay?”

“Perfectly.”

“Look at me.”

She turned and found him behind her. He held her gaze for a moment then said, “You’re having serious second thoughts aren’t you?”

She nodded. He pulled her close in a tight embrace.

“Whatever happens,” he said, “whatever anyone says or does, we’ll face it together. You and me. Always.”

She smiled into his chest. “I’m not alone.”

“You’ll never be alone. I and the whole crew are with you one hundred percent.”

“And speaking of the crew, I suppose we’d better not keep them waiting.”

“They wouldn’t start without their guests of honour, would they?”

“Hard to say.”

Hand in hand, they walked out of her quarters and made their way to the mess hall where most of the off-duty crewmembers were gathered. A banner hanging from the ceiling read “Welcome Back” in large letters with “Captain and Commander” in smaller writing at the end.

“Captain! Commander!” Neelix was at their side as soon as they entered. “We’re so glad to have you with us!”

“And we’re very glad to be here,” Janeway responded, leaning in to Neelix’s embrace.

One by one, the crew came over to express their joy at having their commanding officers back on the ship, and one by one Kathryn thanked them and returned their handshakes and hugs. Throughout it all, Chakotay never left her side, remaining a strong and sturdy presence as she fought down the emotions that came with being back among the people she thought she would never see again.

As Kathryn was picking at a plate of questionable-tasting snacks Neelix had given her, Ensign Kayla Hayes sidled over and offered a shy smile. “I’m glad you’re back, Captain,” she said. “Commander Tuvok’s a good captain, but it’s not the same without you.”

“Thank you.” Kathryn touched a hand to the young woman’s shoulder. “I’m glad you all came back for us.”

“I don’t know if it means anything to you, but I prayed for your return,” Kayla said. “I didn’t want to give up hope that we’d have you back with us.”

Kathryn smiled. She had heard the woman’s prayers, even though they were light-years apart. Her thoughts had drifted constantly to the crew in mourning and comfort had seemed like the least she could offer them. She was glad she had made a small difference for them.

As the evening wore on and various crewmembers came and went, sharing smiles and greetings with the command team on their way, the Mess Hall slowly emptied and the Captain and Commander soon left to return to their quarters, hand in hand.

“It’s nice to feel wanted,” Kathryn commented as they stood in the lift. “It’s nice to know our presence makes a difference to them.”

“I’ve told you before – the crew cares about you,” Chakotay said. “Your presence inspires them and gives them courage.”

“They think I’m inspiring?”

“Your determination is what keeps them going. They’d follow you to the ends of the galaxy if you asked them too. Look at everything they went through just to have you back with them. You need to stop doubting yourself and the love and loyalty you inspire in others.”

Kathryn smiled and squeezed his hand gratefully. “Even after all these years, there’s still a few lessons I have yet to learn.”


	21. Ambush

“I want you to think about it, Chakotay. This has to be your decision. If you choose to go after him, I know I speak for the entire crew, Starfleet and Maquis alike, when I say we'll stand behind you.”

When Chakotay left to consider whether to mount a rescue effort for Seska and her child, Kathryn stood in front of the window and closed her eyes to the world around her. She concentrated on her breathing and tried to calm her racing mind.

The thought of Chakotay’s child being left to be raised by Seska, of all people, sent chills up her spine. She had only rarely thought of herself as a maternal person, but all she wanted at the moment was to tear the child away from the clutches of the Kazon and care for him herself. She hadn’t thought that her relationship with Chakotay had developed to the point of thinking about children yet, but here she was ready to claim and defend his child.

She began slowly to pace the length of the room, as her thoughts kept drifting back to the image of the child in Seska’s arms.

 _It’s Chakotay’s decision,_ she told herself, but she knew what she would choose were it up to her. Every fibre of her being told her that she should protect the child as her own.

She sat down on the sofa and closed her eyes. She was a goddess of knowledge, after all. She should be able to divine whether this was a trap or not. She opened her mind to the universe around her. The thoughts and emotions of the crew immediately assaulted her senses. Everyone was tense, waiting to see what the command team would decide.

She expanded her awareness to the well of energy within her that bound her material form to the other planes of existence. Her consciousness sailed along through currents of energy, searching for knowledge of the events that lay ahead of them. As the moments passed by and her searches were fruitless, she began to grow frustrated. This was supposed to be her domain, gods damn it! Why couldn’t she do this one thing to help her crew? To help her friend?

She slowly came back to an awareness of her body where she found a large hand shaking her shoulder.

“Kathryn?” Chakotay said, kneeling before her. “I’ve decided.”

And so they went. They embarked on a noble rescue mission and ended up flying straight into a Kazon trap. They were outnumbered eight-to-one. Janeway grit her teeth and ordered the crew to battle stations.

Their efforts were valiant in the face of such overwhelming odds, and she could fault no member of her crew, but slowly it was becoming clear that the Kazon were winning. Paris volunteered to take a shuttle to go for help, and she tried not to let it show how little hope she had for his survival.

And then the Kazon boarded the ship.

The turbolift doors swished open and phasers began firing. She ducked low to dodge a phaser blast and snatched up the phaser stashed under her command chair. She fired off two shots at the incoming enemies and then a Kazon phaser blast hit her in the chest and her whole world went black.

When she woke, she was surrounded by concerned crewmembers in the center of the Bridge while Kazon guards patrolled around them.

“Easy,” Chakotay said as she pushed herself up.

“I want to speak to Maje Culluh,” Janeway said to one of the guards.

“Easily arranged, Captain,” Culluh’s voice came from the ‘lift behind her.

“Hello, everyone,” said an all-too-familiar voice. Seska stepped out from behind Culluh. “What do you think of your son, Chakotay?” She cradled in her arms the child that had unwittingly drawn them into this elaborate snare. “He has your eyes, don't you think? Thank goodness he doesn't look too human. You all have such weak foreheads.”

“May he grow up never knowing the contempt his father has for his mother,” Chakotay spat.

“I think I can assure you of that, Commander,” Culluh said proudly. “I intend to take him for my own son. A man who would violate a woman under his own command doesn't deserve a son.”

“Is that what she told you?” Chakotay asked.

“The boy will be trained as a Nistrim askari,” Culluh continued. “Already he has helped us win the greatest battle in our history.”

“Culluh,” Janeway said, standing up. “I'd like to discuss what happens now.”

The next thing she knew was a sharp, stinging pain across her cheek and the hard deck plating as she was thrown backwards.

“You'll be given no more respect than any Kazon woman, now that your ship and technology are mine,” Culluh spat at her. “I will tell you when you may speak.”

“Allow my crew to live,” Janeway insisted. “They were following my orders.”

“You're even worse than she is,” Culluh said, motioning to Seska. “What is it about the women from your quadrant? You know, she contradicts me in front of the senior askara? My own woman disputing her Maje in front of others. This is your fault. You've let your women get out of control.”

“You know you have my deepest respect, Maje,” Seska said.

“Why is it so dark in here? Somebody turn on the lights.” At Culluh’s order, the red alert was cancelled and the regular lighting lit up the dismal scene. “Order the repair crews to begin work immediately. I want to leave for the Hanon system as soon as possible.”

“What's in the Hanon system?” Chakotay asked.

“Your new home. Take them to a cargo bay. Have the whole crew brought there. Check all quarters.”

Culluh snapped his fingers, and the Kazon set to work.

“Goodbye, Chakotay,” Seska’s words hung in the air as they were shoved roughly towards the turbolift. “I'll take good care of our son.”


	22. Surviving on Determination Alone

“A fitting end for a people who would not share their technology,” Culluh had smirked. “Let's see if you manage to survive without it.”

The planet was desert-like, the sun glaring off red-tinted sand and mountains. Small scrubs dotted the landscape. There was not an animal in sight as the crew trudged onwards through the thick, warm air.

Kathryn knew she had to keep up a semblance of control and hope to keep her crew going, but she was having to dig deep within herself to find the motivation to keep herself going.

_Culluh wants us all to die,_ she thought. Her fists balled up at her sides. _I won’t give him the satisfaction._

They found a cave to shelter in for the night and Janeway sent teams out to search for food and water, but by the time night was falling, they returned with grave news.

“That's all that's left of Hogan's uniform, Captain,” Chakotay said. “We didn't find anything else.”

“This is my fault,” Neelix bemoaned. “If I hadn't told Hogan to pick up these bones…”

“You shouldn't blame yourself, Neelix,” Kes said comfortingly.

“Stop it, Janeway snapped. “There's no time to worry about blame. Hogan was a fine officer and a good man. And our job is to make sure his death is the last one for a long time! I will not let this planet destroy my crew. Kes, see to it that everyone knows the tunnels are off-limits. I want clear safety protocols established. Mister Tuvok, we need weapons.”

“I have already begun to design some rudimentary devices, Captain,” he said.

“What's our food and water status?”

“I know it sounds grisly,” Chakotay told her, “but I can make solar stills with the material from this uniform. We could have water tomorrow.”

“Do it.”

“Captain, none of the search teams were able to find plants of any nutritional value,” Neelix said, twisting his hands worriedly.

“Then tell the crew to start turning over rocks.” She tossed over some nearby rocks and grabbed a fistful of writhing worms. She held them out to her crew, her features firm with determination. “If anyone balks at eating these, tell them it's an order from their captain. They may be the difference between life and death.” Dumping the worms in the hands of a crewmember, she stormed away.

It didn’t take long for Chakotay to follow her. She was sitting on a large rock outside their campsite, hunched over and staring at the setting sun.

“How are you holding up?” he asked, sitting down beside her.

She sighed. “I’ve been better,” she said honestly.

“I know we’ve been through a lot today, but we’ll get through it. We always do.”

“We’ve never been in a situation this dire though.”

“True, but we happen to have the best captain the Alpha Quadrant has ever produced, and I know she’ll lead us through whatever this planet throws at us.”

“I really don’t want to be cheered up right now, Chakotay,” she protested. “I’m still trying to process and mourn.”

Chakotay rubbed a hand over her back comfortingly. “Okay.”

She leaned into his touch briefly, then clapped a hand on his leg. “We’d better get back and help make camp.”

Several hours and locks of hair later, the fires were burning strongly as Janeway paced the camp. Neelix and Kes had wandered off and not returned and several crewmembers were now looking for them. She silently cursed this strange and hostile planet. She cursed Culluh and Seska and all of the Kazon. She cursed the dumb, cruel twist of fate that had stranded them here. And most of all, she cursed herself. If she had only been wiser and seen the trap. If she had only been smarter and told her crewmembers to be more cautious. If she had only kept a closer eye on everyone, they might all still be there, safe and sound.

Her ruminations were interrupted by Chakotay’s return.

“There are signs of a struggle near the edge of camp. I found alien tracks.”

“We can't wait until morning to go after them,” Janeway said.

“Well, I'm better at tracking than starting fires,” Chakotay told her.

“I've completed a few weapons that might be appropriate, Commander,” Tuvok said, holding up a rudimentary bow.

“This is thoughtful of you Tuvok, but my tribe never used bows and arrows, and I've never even shot one.”

“This is mine. I taught archery science for several years at the Vulcan Institute of Defensive Arts,” Tuvok said.

“Take as many crew members as you need.” Janeway watched them go, weapons at the ready as they disappeared into the darkness. Her one job had been to keep her crew safe, but she didn’t think she had ever failed so spectacularly at anything in her life. If only she had been able to prevent this all from happening.

The fires slowly burned down, and her feet began to wear a groove in the dust as she paced, awaiting her crewmembers’ return. Other people settled down to sleep, so she took her pacing outside. Eventually, the dawn arrived. She began to help with making breakfast, keeping one eye on the entrance to the caves at all times.

Finally, she had enough.

“Chakotay's team should have been back by now,” she told Kim and Torres. “We'd better look for them before it gets too hot. Get a few people together. I'll join you in a second.”

She had lost three other people to this damned planet, but she was damned if she would lose Chakotay.


	23. We'll Make It

Janeway and her team of amateur trackers traced Chakotay’s rescue party to what looked to be a camp for the native people, and then the footsteps moved away, followed by several bare footprints. They followed this trail to a cave in the mountainside. The tunnel entrance was filled with burning brush and guarded by a crowd of the native inhabitants who seemed to be waiting impatiently.

“Do you really think Commander Chakotay would go in there after what happened to Hogan?” Kim asked.

“He may have had no other choice,” Janeway said.

“How do we get them away from the tunnels?” Torres asked.

“A couple of phaser blasts would do the trick,” Kim pointed out.

“Who are the fastest runners here?” An idea was forming in Janeway’s mind.

“I was on the decathlon team before I quit the Academy,” Torres offered. “The track and field coach was furious with me.”

“Anyone else here who can run?”

Two other crewmembers nodded affirmingly.

“Okay. You three will be the sprint team. Once you reach our camp, you should be safe.” She stood and motioned the others to follow her directions. They got into position and Janeway gave the signal.

The three designated ‘sprint team’ began to throw rocks at the natives outside the tunnel entrance and hurled taunts at them. The natives took the bait and gave chase. Janeway and her team took that opportunity to run down to the brush fire to clear the entrance, calling out to the people inside.

 _I’m coming, Chakotay_ , she thought as she pulled down burning straw. _Be safe._

“Chakotay! Tuvok!” she began to yell as soon as they cleared the entrance.

“The tunnel is clear!” Kim hollered to them.

They waited for a long minute until people began emerging from the darkness.

“Move! Let’s go!” Janeway shouted as they ran out and away. “Go! Go! Go, go! Come on, come on. GO!”

Finally, at the rear of the group, Chakotay appeared. She grabbed his hand and ran with him away from the cave. An unholy scream echoed from the depths and she glanced back, but nothing was following them.

Yet.

They made their way quickly back to the camp, keeping an eye out for any of the natives approaching.

“This damn planet,” Janeway muttered under her breath as she ran. “Those damn Kazon. My damn lack of judgement. That damn cave monster. Those damn hostile natives. Our gods damned luck.”

Chakotay squeezed her hand tighter. “We’ll make it,” he murmured. “We always do.”

“Stop being so gods damned encouraging. I’m trying to be miserable.”

They made it back to the camp with no further trouble. Several of the crewmembers had gotten a water still working and offered them drinks when they arrived, hot and sweaty from running the whole way back.

Later, Janeway, Chakotay, and Tuvok were sitting outside the camp, discussing their situation.

“After what transpired, I believe we have to prepare ourselves for an alien attack, Captain,” Tuvok said, sharpening a wooden spear. “Our priority should be to increase the weapons arsenal and to begin training everyone in the use of these weapons.”

“I don't like the sound of that, Lieutenant,” Janeway said. “We may have to coexist with these aliens a long time.”

“Nevertheless…”

“I agree with the Captain,” Chakotay interrupted. “We have to find a way to share this world with them.”

“You may find nobility in the savage, Commander,” Tuvok pointed out, “but he is only interested in killing you.”

“I don't believe that.”

At that moment, Kes ran over to them. “Captain! The baby is very sick. She's having trouble breathing. She has a high fever. There's nothing more I can do for her.”

“Captain!” came a shout from outside.

They ran outside to see fountains of molten lava spewing from a nearby volcano.

“I think our top priority has just been dictated,” Janeway said. “Break camp. We've got to get out of here before it blows.”

A murmur broke out throughout the camp as crewmembers gathered what they could in their arms and began to evacuate the camp. A chill ran down Janeway’s spine as she watched the approaching rivers of lava.

“Do you think we’ll make it?” Kim asked her, worry creasing his brow.

“We’ll make it,” she replied. She clasped a hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eye with all the sincerity she could muster. “We have to.”


	24. Not Dead Yet

“I don’t suppose any of your godlike powers can stop a volcano?” Chakotay asked softly.

“If I could, I would,” Kathryn hissed back at him.

Suddenly, they heard screams ahead of them. Chakotay broke into a run immediately, the others following suit. A group of the aliens were also fleeing the lava flows but one of them had become trapped on a rock, the lava rising higher around her. Without hesitation, Chakotay leaped to her aid, jumping over the lava, picking her up, and carrying her to the safety of her people.

The leader of the aliens looked at Chakotay with a newfound respect. “ _Tal kanakh_!” he said, gesturing for them to follow him and his people.

They followed the natives until they stopped high up a rocky slope far above the lava flow. The aliens milled around, muttering under the breath and eyeing the Starfleet people suspiciously. The one Kathryn presumed to be the leader came up to Chakotay and clapped a hand on his arm. A friendly gesture, she guessed. Probably a ‘thank you’. She approached them cautiously.

The alien leader watched her approach, then reached out and grasped her arm possessively. He muttered something and gestured from her to his people behind him.

“No,” Kathryn said. She grabbed his hand tightly and closed her eyes.

His mind was easy to penetrate. His language center was very simple, and his language primitive. In a matter of seconds she had learned all there was to learn from him, but now she wanted to give. She began to impart to him a few words and phrases, along with images and emotions related to their meanings. Quickly, however, she felt his mind begin to become overwhelmed and she ceased her telepathic exchange.

When she opened her eyes, he was staring at her. “You…” he said slowly, “friend. You… _Fyagha._ ” He said a word she recognized as being what they called their deity.

“Not quite,” she said. “I… _calghra._ ” _‘Leader’_ , she knew.

“ _Calghra_?!” He was shocked. He looked to Chakotay then back to her and muttered something she didn’t catch.

“You speak their language now?” Chakotay asked.

“How’s that for a goddess of knowledge?” she grinned.

The alien retreated to the rest of his people and began to speak in hushed tones. She hoped she had managed to convey that they meant them no harm.

Suddenly, a deafening roar sounded from somewhere nearby. The rocks around them began to tremble and so did the aliens huddled nearby.

“ _Axahi!_ ” one of them screeched. ‘Monster’.

Around the corner of the rocks slid the giant monster that dwelled in the caves. Clearly the lava had driven it out of its home and now it was looking to vent its anger.

The aliens all made a run for it, but the monster was faster. It snaked its neck out and snatched up one of them, shaking them in its mouth before tossing them off the side of the cliff into the lava below. Then it turned and roared at everyone else. The aliens shrank back, terrified.

“We’re dead,” Kathryn heard someone behind her say.

“No, we’re not.” She spun around to face them. “We didn’t come all this way and survive this much just to become that thing’s lunch! We outnumber that beast a hundred to one! If we all work together, we can drive it back to the hellhole it crawled out of.”

The beast roared again, but Kathryn payed it no mind. She began to walk down the line, meeting the gaze of each person in turn. “They thought we couldn’t survive without our technology, but they don’t realize it’s not fucking tricorders and phasers that make us strong. We work together, and we don’t back down. We don’t break under pressure. And we sure as hell don’t give in to one scrawny little monster.”

She snatched a spear out of someone’s hand and turned to face the beast. “We’re not running! We’ll drive it back and stand our ground.” She lifted the spear aloft and it began to glow with golden light. “Even if we die, we die defending each other, and that makes it an honourable death.”

The aliens watched her curiously, not understanding a word she said. But their leader recognized her intentions and picked up his own spear. He yelled out a word in his native tongue and all his followers shouted it too. They began to rush at the giant creature.

“If we die, we die together,” Janeway turned to face her crew again. “And if we win, we’ll sing of this for years to come!”


	25. Worthy of Story and Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm so sorry about accidentally skipping chapter 21 when I was posting it. Everything's in the right order now, though.

With a hundred and forty Starfleet officers and about twenty or so natives surrounding it, the monster backed up a little bit. It roared defiantly and stomped its many feet on the ground.

Led by Chakotay, everyone began pelting rocks at the creature. Those with spears rushed at it, screaming themselves hoarse as they did. Tuvok needled it with arrows from his bow. And Janeway held her spear upright before her, watching it glow brighter and brighter, until a perfect spear of golden energy began to form on the tip. She channelled energy into the sphere until it grew bigger than her head, then she hauled back and flung the sphere at the monster.

The creature shrieked as the golden ball of energy hit it square in the chest and spread throughout its body. It lowered its head as its whole body twitched and spasmed, and the crew took that opportunity to stab it in its beady eyes. It howled in pain.

The spears and rocks kept coming at it. Another bolt of energy hit it in the face. It screamed again.

“We’re wearing it down!” Kathryn’s voice rang out across the battlefield. “Keep going!” With a surge of newfound strength, the people rushed at the monster, screaming wildly.

The monster lashed out with its bulky tail and sent several people flying backwards. Others quickly surrounded the creature again and beat it back with their weapons.

Another energy pulse flew towards it, but the creature saw it coming. It whipped its tail around and batted the pulse away. Janeway had only a second to dodge out of the way, leaving the pulse to shatter the rockface behind where she had stood. She breathed a sigh of relief as she picked herself up.

“Keep pushing it back!” she shouted. “Either it leaves or it dies!”

She paused and leaned heavily on the spear she held, breathing deeply as she struggled to remain standing.

“Kathryn?” Chakotay was at her side.

“I’m fine,” she said. She lifted the spear and began channelling once more.

“We’ve had enough losses for today!” The spear glowed brighter. “This ends here…” She levelled the spear like a javelin, “…and now.”

She hurled the glowing projectile at the monster and a ground-shaking roar split through the air.

The creature began to stagger, the spear lodged squarely in its throat and still glowing brilliantly. A shout of triumph rose up from the gathered crew, Starfleet and alien alike, as they rushed at the monster and shoved it over the edge of the cliff into the lava below. A last, strangled cry rose from the depths and then the monster was no more.

Everyone shouted and cheered in triumph and Kathryn heaved a sigh of relief. “It’s over,” she said.

Chakotay hugged her close. “You were fantastic,” he murmured in her ear. He pulled her aside, away from the rambunctious crowd around them.

“I want to talk to you,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about what you were saying about not feeling like you were a good enough goddess. I think you’re wrong.”

“You’re biased though.”

“Hear me out, first. What exactly was the child’s prayer that brough you into this world?”

Kathryn frowned as she thought back to the memory of that day, long ago. Slowly, she began to recite the words the child had written. Chakotay nodded along.

“I think you might have misinterpreted the intentions behind your life’s purpose,” he said. “What you did out there had nothing to do with knowledge or wisdom. You rallied the troops and led us to victory. You made us believe in ourselves when everything seemed hopeless. You’ve been a source of inspiration and courage ever since I met you. Think about it a little more and think about what you have accomplished not just here and now but throughout our entire journey home.” He kissed her forehead and turned to leave.

 _What_ had _the child asked for? Maybe it really was about more than just wanting to do well in school,_ Kathryn thought.

 _“I feel lost and hopeless,”_ the child had said. _“They tell me I’m useless and I get bullied a lot. I need someone to help me. Please come to my aid. I want someone to help me be better off so I can be happy.”_

What the child really wanted was to know that everything would be alright, she realized. Her true calling wasn’t about knowledge or learning at all. The emotion that sparked her existence wasn’t a desire to learn. It was a desire to feel less hopeless.

And what had she done for the crew, really? She had been the voice that refused to let them quit. She had been the candle in the window, guiding them home. And when faced with mortal peril, hers was the voice leading them to victory.

“Captain?” a voice interrupted her thoughts. She looked up to see B’Elanna standing nearby. “That was a hell of a job you did out there.”

Kathryn smiled. “Thank you.”

“If you don’t mind my asking, how the hell did you do all that? What… _Who are you?”_

“I…” _Who am I really?_ “I’m a Goddess,” she heard her voice saying, and a broad smile broke through her words, “of Hope.”


	26. Epilogue

Kathryn gazed out the window in her quarters at the stars speeding past. _Voyager_ had returned for them, thanks to Tom Paris and the Talaxians, and they were now on their way back to their true home – Earth.

She closed her eyes and smiled as she expanded her consciousness outside her mortal frame to encompass the small ship. She felt overwhelming hope and relief from the entire crew. She felt their joy at being back where they belonged. But she didn’t find the one feeling she was looking for – fear at the revelation she had been forced to share after their battle against the beast.

Not a single one of them was afraid of her.

Relief bubbled up inside her as she realized she had been accepted for who she was by her people. She didn’t have to worry about a lack of trust or a fear of her among the crew. Each and every one of them loved her and trusted her.

The door chimed behind her and she turned to face it, calling for her visitor to enter. Ensign Kayla Hayes walked in slowly, uncertainly.

“Ensign. This is a surprise. What can I do for you?” she asked, moving towards the sofa.

“I just wanted to say thank you,” Kayla said. “Not just for everything you did for us while we were on the planet, but also for giving me hope and encouragement when I was homesick. I know now that that must have been you who answered my prayers.”

Kathryn nodded. “And I realize now that it was not mere chance that led me to hear you. I’m glad I could be of help.”

Kayla smiled and nodded. She shifted on her feet and half-turned back towards the door. “By the way,” she said, “I think you’re an amazing Captain, and you’re clearly a wonderful Goddess too, and I know the whole crew feels the same way as I do. So if they don’t say it… thanks. From all of us. For never giving up on us and never giving up hope on getting us home.”

Tears blurred Kathryn’s vision as she watched Kayla retreat to the door. “Thank you,” she whispered as the doors swished shut once more.

She turned to face the window again, her eyes glinting brightly under the light of the stars.

She was loved, not just by the most wonderful man she had ever met, but by an entire crew of people. She had found her purpose and was already appreciated for it by her followers. Only one thing could make this moment better.

As if on cue, the doors swishes open as Chakotay made his entrance. He walked up behind her and slid his arms about her waist. She leaned her head back against his shoulder with a contented sigh.

 _Now,_ all was right with her world. Her crew was safe, they were on their way home, the man she loved was by her side, and she was not only accepted but loved for who she was.

Kathryn Janeway, Goddess of Hope Against Overwhelming Odds, was at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with me through this journey. I hope the story has been worth your while. I'm looking at writing a sequel for it, but that's going to take awhile. In the meantime, I'm going to post as separate ficlets a couple of pieces based on this story in the next day or two. Thanks again for your time and all your wonderful comments!


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